Enjoy the Silence
by It's an Existential Crisis
Summary: It hasn't been long since Shikamaru's battle with Hidan. Driven near insanity, and Jashin knows what possessed him, he brings Hidan back. But only his head. And finding in himself... something new... rated M for language.
1. Prologue: Into the Fire

**Enjoy the Silence**

**Prologue: Into the Fire**

Silver hair and blood.

What did it mean?

No... I knew what it meant. But why? Why now, after I've finally forgotten of what he did. After I'd finally begun to forgive myself. Why now, when things begin to settle down again. Why... Why was he showing up in my dreams? Why was he thanking me? Why him, and not... sensei... Why was he whispering in my ear throughout the day, as if he were standing there next to me. Why can I see his face more perfectly, stained into my memory more perfectly than anyone else's? Why is his name the only one I hear?

His name.

Unforgiven.

Hated.

_Painful!_

But anger does nothing. Especially now. Anger does not answer questions. Action does.

_Silently now, no one will notice you. Come on boy, faster! Get me out of here! You want to hear my voice, don't you? Hurry, before I die!_

His voice... playful... beckoning... _controlling. _I can't ignore him anymore. I have to know. I have to see him.

_Don't pretend you don't know where I am. Just look, do you remember this place? Remember, you little shit? Not much farther now, see, you know this place. You __**know!**_

My heart beats faster with every word. My eyes are strained. I want to turn back. But I can't! I have to listen, he controls me. I can't just not hear him. I'm so sorry sensei... I won't go another sleepless night. He must return. I must see him. Now!

_You remember. Well, what are you fucking waiting for? There I am. Come now, you're not afraid, are you? You want to know, don't you? You want to see me, hear me, know me. Come for me. You must know. And I'll tell you. Now, come here! Come here, you bastard, now!_

Dig. Almost there. His voice is getting louder. Yes... I must know. I must see him, I must hear him. He knows best.

Asuma. I'm so... _so_ sorry.


	2. Chapter 1: Head Like a Hole

**Chapter 1: Head Like a Hole**

_Flick-_

_Flick-_

_Fmmmmm..._

_Shffff..._

Another sleepless night. Just sitting here, under the moonlight. Stare at that flame, you coward. You can't even obey the one order you want so badly to, that the voice calls. He calls for you, idiot. But no. I'm just a coward. I'll never know. I don't want to know. I don't want to see him. Still... I need to know...

But I am merely Shikamaru of the Nara clan, and far too lazy. Knowing would be too troublesome... But how much less than not knowing? These times on their own are troublesome enough. I'll just stare at this flame. Wait for father and mother to find that I'm already out of bed in the morning. Again. And I'll probably be in the same place. Just sitting here in front of this shogi board. With Asuma's lighter.

So much for..._ vengeance._ And I even thought I'd understood_ Sasuke _for a moment. But no. This is not satisfying at all. I only hurt worse.

There's the sun.

Wait for it.

"Shikamaru? Up early again?"

Just like every morning.

"Breakfast is on the table if you want some."

Nod. Just like every morning. And of course, I'm going to stay put. A routine since we'd returned.

_Sigh._ Stare at that flame. That's all you do. Because you're a coward.

His voice was getting louder with each night. There was no point in sleeping; he'd only wake me up again. He speaks to me day in and day out, just as if he were standing next to me. And the more I ignore him, the angrier he gets. No, conversing with him would be by far the most troublesome part of the situation. Let him carry on this one-sided conversation. I'll just listen. I'll just sit here and do nothing but listen to him. Let him call me all the names he wants. Now they were more "loner" or "emo." I don't care if I'm a loner. I don't need anyone, and I certainly don't want him to be the one person I talk to. Not him.

Choiji and Ino stop by of course. I tell them I'm not feeling good. Again. And again, they too see no point in fighting it anymore. Just let me sit here. Killing myself. And _he_ helps. He helps a lot.

I won't say his name. I don't want to remember. If I say his name, I'll want to know. I have to know. And like several other times, where I'd thought screaming my rage for him towards the heavens would help, I'd be standing there. In front of the ruble. Again. And I'd turn back because I'm just a coward.

I am Shikamaru Nara.

I am a coward.

An empty shell.

Empty.

What the Hell.

If he's going to talk to me, might as well speak to my face. If I'm just going to stare at this damn flame, just going to contemplate those shogi pieces and see not a single strategy or brilliant spark... why not go out in style? Why not save Death the trouble of having to explain to me what I want to know and just go ask?

Ask him.

Ask _Hidan._

And I go again.

Troublesome though it may be, his name forces me forward. Just like every time. I don't expect to get any farther than the last time, but I can't sit here, with his name echoing in my head. I can't just die asking the same questions over and over and over. Slowly dieing like that is far more troublesome than just ending it. So let's end this, Hidan. You're just pieces now, there's no one to stitch you back up again. You can't hurt me. Not physically.

My fingers were bleeding long before I made it very far. Each boulder made the voice louder. Each word was angrier. Each drop of sweat, hotter. Asuma, please understand. I love you, you are my sensei, and even after death you teach me about life. But I don't plan on seeing you soon. I don't want to. I'm afraid I might though... that's why I must see him.

Another boulder. Deeper into the rabbit's hole. Closer to the prize. The loud-mouth, obnoxious, ignorant, arrogant and violent asshole.

Then sun was coming up, peeking above the horizon, which was now out of sight. I was deep in the ground. That much Closer. That much Sooner. But I couldn't seem to get enough air, couldn't seem to get there faster.

I stopped for a moment to stare at my hands, now bloody and bruised. Shaking. Like my bones shivering beneath my skin, dancing inside my puny body. Like my heart. My weak pathetic heart. He's getting even louder now, but deafeningly loud as he was, I couldn't hear what he was saying. It didn't matter now. All that could wait. It didn't matter until I saw him.

Him. Silver hair. Purple eyes, or pink or whatever the Hell they were. Dead, tan skin. Mutilated. Fucking headless. Hidan. A slew of profanities. An occasional twitch. Playful humor. _Morbid _humor. Blood lust. A masochist. Evil. Destructive. But also longing. Remember the way his face tightens and scrunches when he's angry. The way his eyes lighten when he smiles. That proud expression of his when his companion outsmarted someone. That respect that he showed him. The way he slouches when he can't get what he wants. His speech patterns. Actions. Personality. Remember it all. The way it ticked you off when he smirked. The anger that built inside when he completely dissed and demeaned you. The way your muscles tensed with each fucking breath he took.

All of it. Remember. It's all coming back. The anger. Frustration. Pain. He's coming. The one you read like a goddamn book. The one who always has another trick up his sleeve. The one you know more than yourself right now. He's every strategy you never thought of. Every bit of hatred you never felt. Every driving force you've avoided. You need him. You need him now, because you're a screw-up. _"You fucked up on the order."_

Cry, you little wimp. Cry because there is nothing you can do about your anger. Nothing. Cry because Orochimaru couldn't make some forbidden time-reversing jutsu and be stupid enough to use it. Couldn't. Cry because you can't get out of this damned state of remorse and denial. Can't. Can't escape this impending and specific doom you've chosen for yourself. Cry. The moment you see him. Or at least, part of him.

Cry because he's going to hate you even more than you thought possible because you brought him back and not his partner. Or maybe he'd be angry that you brought him back in the first place. Picture him. _'Now I'll never meet Jashin-Sama!' _Yeah. That's what he'll say. Picture the way his bottom lip sticks out, his top twitching upward. His eyes becoming little slits, staring into the distance, and loudly grumbling.

He's coming. Closer. His arm even started to move. Now to find the rest of him. And the head most of all. Maybe the least of all. I don't know anymore. Either way, it was too late. Far too late. It was too late the moment you killed him.

...He's going to hate you. _"I've got your face memorized. I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do!" _Remember how scared and helpless he looked when you blew him to bits and buried him. He's not going to forgive you just for bringing him back. No definitely not.

There's his other arm. And his... I think that's his stomach. Don't think about it. His chest is rising and falling. God, it stinks of blood and rotting flesh down here. Don'tthinkaboutit. I can hear his breathing. His voice. DONTTHINKABOUTIT. Hidan.

Silver hair and blood.

Memories.

A blood curdling scream.


	3. Chapter 2: You'll Rebel to Anything

**Chapter 2: You'll Rebel to Anything**

I still haven't spoken to him much. The moment I saw him, all that confusion just seemed to end, and now I have a talking severed head in my room. Lovely.

"Dammit, Shika!" Shika. He has a fucking pet name for me. "Bring me some food! And if you don't put my body together, I'll fuckin' _die _if I don't do a sacrifice! And I have reason to believe that a certain asscake doesn't want that," he added the last with a teasing smile. I ignore him as always though. No sacrifices. No rituals. None of that. Not again. When I saw him, I couldn't remember what was so important. Maybe I just wanted to see him die of malnutrition or something. Well, obviously not, since I've been feeding him.

"Shika! Hey there. I didn't mean to yell at you earlier. Could you get me some food? Pretty please with sugar on top?" And you guessed it, I ignored him. Hidan just sighed. It's been three days. He doesn't bother fighting it anymore. And he's smart enough to shut his mouth when my parents come. Luckily they don't go through my closet. It doesn't matter, though. I'm getting my own apartment soon. So he can kill me in solitude.

I'd requested to join ANBU. Hidan laughed when he (somehow) heard the news. Good hearing for someone who should be dead.

"Fucking lazy ass," he said one day, as I was staring at the shogi bored again. Not doing anything. Just absent minded. "Why can't you damn kids do something constructive, eh? Maybe if you'd devoted your life to Lord Jashin you wouldn't be so fucking sad and pathetic. Seriously."

Why did I bring him back? So I could listen to him preach about Jashin? Of which I was learning more and more about, and really losing more and more interest. So I could take all his insults, as if he were slashing me in the face with his decapitated hand? No. Maybe it was guilt.

"Stay quiet. I'll be right back."

"Ah, see? I knew it! You do care about me!" I'm too nice. He knows I give in near the end of the day. Why would I want him dead when I brought him back? Anyway, I'm not sure how feeding him works though, considering the fact that he is indeed a severed head with no connection to his stomach of which I left back in the forest. Nevertheless, it _magically _does. I don't bother asking about it, 'cause I know he'll just give me more shit about Jashin.

It was nearing dawn, when mom and dad always go out for a stroll. The floors creaked but I didn't give a rats ass, and made my way towards the kitchen. When I first brought him back, and he begged for food like the helpless little maggot he is, my first thought was 'What the_ fuck _does a headless guy need to eat for?' But he insisted. Then I thought, 'What the fuck do you_ feed _a headless melon farmer?' I'd been feeding him table scraps and whatnot, but I was hungry too, so I went ahead and made a rather large bowl of ramen for the two of us. A special treat for not making me want to kill myself any more than usual that day.

As I poured the hot noodles into a bowl, I still wondered why it was so important to bring him back. Not that it mattered. It was too late to ask why. And I knew I couldn't keep this up forever. Someone was bound to find out about my little pet head.

It was all just so confusing, and my head was already hurting, so I shook it off and headed back. "That's an awfully large bowl," Hidan smirked. "I'm hungry too, jackass," I sighed, sitting next to him. Or his head, at least.

The ungrateful ass slurped so much some of it splashed on my face. "Are you even tasting it?" I glowered, wiping my cheek.

"Hell yeah, this is pretty damn good," Hidan exclaimed, licking his lips, "You're not that bad of a cook. Why don't you do this more often?"

"Keep it down, someone will hear. And it's just ramen you know," I sighed. We ate in silence for a while. Or rather, I fed him and ate... Whatever.

There was a long period of silence. Where we weren't exactly happy with each other, but not quite pissed. Just a moment of understanding. Sort of a stand-still, where we had nothing against each other. At peace with the current situation. Human. Hell, if he hadn't done what he did, I could see us as friends. Not particularly great friends, but still. Don't get me wrong, I still hated him, still held a grudge against him. Wishful thinking doesn't change facts. He was a murderer.

But I did appreciate how he knew I was taking care of him in a way. He didn't totally bite my fingers off while I fed him; he realized this was a pretty damn nice thing of me to do, considering the events that took place maybe two months ago. He wasn't _completely_ ungrateful. He knew his place. I wonder if it's something like a survival method. And what I mean by that is, well, that's how he gets by. I mean, having to deal with that Kakuzu dude, I almost pity him. He don't take no shit. So naturally, Hidan probably had to learn to adapt a form a respect for him, realization that he had the lower hand in that partnership. Survival. In this case, I was Kakuzu, but by far more powerful, in the sense of dominance and power over the situation. But Hell, what do I know? They could've been epic friends, but that's besides the point.

It was little moments of peace like these that I savored the most. Not awkward or anything, but just kind of relaxing. Two guys... well, one and a half I suppose. It's these moments, I almost want to make an effort to settle things, not like an epic battle to settle a score, we already did that, but more like a calm conversation, almost like a bonding session. Yet the mood is so calm you just want to sit back and enjoy it. I know this man like a book that I'd read a thousand times over. And even with everything that I know about him, I can't find it in myself to... _hate_ him right now. He's still human. He must have feelings. What if he had a lover? Fuck, what if _Kakuzu_ was his lover? And how the Hell does such a capable guy end up in a blood cult? See, it's these moments I almost want to ask, because I know there's more to him than what's on the surface. Sure, he's got a big mouth. But he also has memories. He was my age once. There has to be more to this story, this man is much more than I see.

I want to see.

"So why'd you do it?"

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"Don't fuck with me. Why'd you bring me back?"

I paused, and lowered my chopsticks, staring at the ground, lacking expression. "That's a good question," I whispered, "I guess I felt bad about myself. Selfish for the blood-lust I craved to satisfy my grudge against my teacher's murderer. Selfish for the revenge I desired so badly..." Then I turned to face him, "I'm still not going to forgive you for that, and I never intend to, so don't get the wrong idea. I have some pride, believe it or not." Oh fuckin'... I think I just opened up.

Selfish. Or rather ignorant. You're still human, I know that, immortal or not. You were just like me once, at one point in time. No one's born evil. No one's born an asshole. What made you turn to Jashinism? What brought you to Akatsuki? What's your story? Who are you?

I want to see more.

Hidan gave me an acknowledging look, as he couldn't exactly nod or anything, "Fair enough. And just for the record, I'm not sorry for killing him."

I want to see all of you.

"...Just for the record, I don't give a shit."


	4. Chapter 3: Garden Grove

**Chapter 3: Garden Grove**

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey," a distant voice cooed. "Shika-kuun~. . . Hey! Get the_ fuck_ up!"

"Huh? What, what happened?" I slurred, my head bolting off my pillow.

"Well it's about time. Thought you'd never wake up, seriously," Hidan spat, "Your mom tried to wake you up earlier, said you had a visitor."

I stared at him for a moment. "How'd you get out of the closet?"

"...I hopped..."

"You hopped out of the closet over here to my bed."

"Well, it's not like I could walk, you fucktard."

He had a point. I stared at him. A severed head by my bed. That's a nice way to wake up. I wondered if it hurt at all, hopping all that way. I had bandaged his neck and cleaned all the dirt and blood off of him when I brought him back, but I hadn't even considered that the wound had hurt at all... When I blew him to bits in the first place, it didn't concern me whether it hurt or not, I just knew that he'd live through whatever I did to him, hence why I went to such extremes. I just wanted to make sure he could never kill another one of my loved ones, make sure he could never kill again at all. I didn't think about what pain he was in...

But what difference did it make now?

I sighed and rubbed the grogginess out of my eyes. I didn't want to start my day with more nerve-wracking questions. As if I didn't have enough swirling in my sick little head. It was just pitiful looking at him. Just sad.

"Hm? Hey, where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"Out," I answered.

"You're leaving? For how long? Hey... hey you can't just leave me here!"

"Can't I?" I said, blandly, strapping on my shoes. "Why, are you gonna miss me?" I smirked. I guess it was the first time I was going to leave him and go out of the house. But I wasn't going to turn into a little hermit and _never _leave the house just because of him. "Well, don't miss me too much," and with that, I left.

I took a moment to breath in the cool morning air. What was that little shit talking about, it was barely ten o' clock. After stretching for a brief moment, I decided a little walk around town wouldn't hurt. Make sure no one thought I died... Maybe check and see what Tsunade-sama said.

There wasn't much going on. Nothing big. Just a simple day in Konoha. It was a little cloudy, but it still managed to be bright somehow. I got a lot of, "Oh, hi Shikamaru, haven't seen you around lately," and "Well, it's nice to see you out and about Shikamaru, we were worrying." One lady came up to me, grabbed my hand in her firm wrinkled one and asked if I was okay. The look of sympathy in her eyes almost made me sick. She was talking about Asuma's death. No. No I'm not. "I'm fine, ma'am. Don't worry."

"Shikamaru!" I turned at the sound of my name. Ino came running up to me, and I took a step back, almost afraid she'd bash into me. "There you are! You're finally out of your room! Choiji and I were getting worried. You were fine when we came back, but then it was like you fell off the face of the planet." Women sure do have a lot to say.

"Heh, yeah I guess you could say that."

Ino and I walked for a while. She said she had visited my house earlier but I wasn't awake. Hence why Hidan was screaming at me to wake up, I suppose. But why would he care if I woke up or not? I shook my head, as if that would get it out of my head. Why did everything somehow lead to him? Not today, today I'm going to live.

"So how's Choiji?"

"Fine. I think he's visiting Kurenai. Wanna go see them?" "No-," I answered, quickly. "I mean, I..." I don't want to think about Asuma right now. "Hey, why don't we get something to eat, huh? My treat." "Um, okay," Ino laughed awkwardly.

I want to live.

We instinctively walked towards the restaurant Asuma always took us to, and I changed direction as soon as I realized it. There was always Ichiraku Ramen, but I didn't feel like running into Naruto, and I imagined Ino would like something a little nicer.

I finally decided on a small deli that I had heard about from Kakashi. He said good things about it, but I'd never gone until then. It was a little small, not exactly fancy, but decent. Kakashi never did care for big restaurants like Asuma.

"Huh, I've never heard about this place before," Ino said as we walked inside. It was a tiny little family-owned business and it wasn't very busy. Perfect. "Go ahead and order whatever you like. I'm not that hungry." Ino scrutinized me. "Oh really?" The moment she said it, I could feel my stomach growl. "You should really eat breakfast. Most important meal of the day of course. And I can tell you haven't eaten anything today yet by the color of your skin. Also, the bags under your eyes are a big giveaway of both lack of sleep, stress, and under-eating. Not exactly malnutrition but definitely not healthy. Eat." I didn't argue.

The waitress was a little crabby, but I appreciated her effort not to show it. I actually smiled at their behind-the-counter-drama. Ino kept a close eye on me, studying my face as we ate. It made me extremely uncomfortable, especially with half eaten meat rolling around in my trap, but I ignored it.

"You don't have to take over for Asuma sensei."

I stopped, dropping my fork. "What?"

"I know what you're going through. Believe me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you feel you need to play father for Kurenai's coming baby."

"Play father... for Kurenai's..." I stifled it at first, smothering it with my hand, and hiding in my shoulders. But they gave way and I let out the fits of laughter. I laughed so loud other customers stared back at us. Ino glared furiously, folding her arms as she waited for me to finish. I laughed so hard, I nearly cried, but finally settled down and wiped them away. "I'm sorry, Ino," I giggled, "Trust me, that's the last thing I feel."

I was not forgiven for embarrassing her at the deli, nor was I forgiven for not talking to her about what was going on with me (what_ever _did she mean by that?), but she settled for another meal on me; next time with Choiji. I struggled to agree, but eventually did. I'd probably have to barrow some money though.

That seemed to settle the mood, and I got her to smile again. But before we left, the first thing I did was head to the bathroom and look in the mirror. She was right, I did have bags under my eyes. It surprised me that no one else said anything. In any case, I don't know how she could possibly tell that I hadn't eaten based on my skin color. As far as I could tell it was normal, but she is a medic ninja I guess.

"Hey. Don't lock yourself up again. It's nice to see you alive and well, y'know," Ino said, heading back to her flower shop. I only nodded and continued my walk. Nothing to do. And utterly quiet after Ino left. Alone again. I could always go back home. There was always Hidan to talk to. Always. And he was probably hungry. I shook him out of my head before I_ did _decide to go back. I was going to fucking live today. Even if alone and bored.h

"No more putting it off, I suppose," I sighed, staring up at the faces of Hokage carved into the mountain side. I already knew the answer. Tsunade was not one for putting young into the ANBU Black Ops. But it was worth a shot. She said she'd think about it, so I suppose there was a chance,

...

"No."

"Figured as much."

"There are several reasons why. One, I refuse to put someone as young as you in that much danger. Two, even though you're an amazing strategist, and you did defeat an Akatsuki member on your own, you're not ready for that level. Three, you volunteered to help with the Chuunin exams."

"Understood."

I guess death was that much farther away. Hidan would indeed get the chance to kill me all on his own. Death by solitude. Lovely.

Now there really was no where else to go but back home. I just hope mom and dad didn't go through my closet. They never have before, but who knows. And with Hidan and his big mouth, I'd really rather not take my chances. Maybe he'll be smart enough to play dead if someone sees him. A dead severed head in my closet can be easily explained, and quite possibly understood. A talking severed head is another thing.

With this is mind, I found myself walking increasingly faster, but not so fast that I looked suspicious. Which probably backfired and made me look suspicious anyway, but that's besides the point. When I came inside, mom was sitting at the table reading a book, and smiled when she saw me. I smiled back, assumed dad was on a mission or something and headed to my room.

"You're not going to hide in there for days on end again, are you?"

"No, mom. I'm just tired. I have things to do tomorrow." It was a lie, but it comforted her.

There was a faint noise coming from my room. _Dammit, Hidan, what are you doing now?_ I slid open the door slowly, peeking through. Hidan hadn't hopped out again, there was a relief. So what was he doing? I padded over to the closet, opened it, and felt that pang of guilt again.

"Hidan...? Are you alright..?"

Hidan sniffled, licking his dry lips. Tears streamed down his face. I imagine he'd wipe them away if he had arms. "Shikamaru... I hate you..."

I sighed. "I know."

"I hate you for doing this to me."

"I know."

"I'll... I'm going to kill you one day..."

"...I know."


	5. Chapter 4: Meltdown

**Chapter 4: Meltdown**

"Eat."

"No."

"Eat, you little shit, you're the one who's always whining for me to feed you."

"No!"

I sighed, "Fine, I give up. Die then." and I shoved his head back in the closet, shut it, and laid down. I was getting a major migraine, and his childish antics were_ not _helping._ What's his problem anyway? This is the first time he's thrown a fit since I brought him back. Feh, if I were a severed head, I'd be grateful to have been brought back. Little bastard. Why did I bring him back?_

**Because you have to know.**

A chill ran up my spine, like little tiny hands clinging to a mountain, breathing on the back of my neck. Something I hadn't felt since before I brought him back. Hidan. What was it I needed to know? The question was familiar, but I couldn't remember. Normally I'd wrack my brain for answers, sit and contemplate for hours on end, but after bringing back Hidan, I'd learned that when I get frustrated with something, not to push it, just set it aside for a while. Just like I was doing now with Hidan himself. In any case, I knew that if ever I remembered what it was that was so important that I felt the need to resurrect Hidan of the Akatsuki, I'd need him alive.

"Hidan. You need to eat," I said, quietly, not even bothering to open the door. No reply. "Hidan, do you hear me?" No reply. "Fine, you little crybaby."

It was quiet for a long time. A cricket started chirping, but I kicked the wall and it shut up. Good thing, too, I hate crickets. They're so annoying.

"They're good luck, y'know."

"Hm?"

"Crickets. They're good luck."

"Oh, so you're actually talking to me now?"

"Shut the fuck up, asshole, I was just saying they're good luck."

"Yeah, well, I don't care. They're annoying."

"Jeez, you don't need to throw a bitch-fit."

That got me. I stood and opened the closet door. "_I'm_ throwing a bitch-fit?" I hissed, "What about you, mister I-want-to-starve-to-death?"

Hidan just looked the other way. "Sorry."

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry, you asshole." He looked sincere.

What the fuck am I supposed to say? How do I respond to an apology from a freaking head? Hell, as far as I'm concerned, I'm the one who should apologize, which just explains how far. But for what? Wait, what's _he_ apologizing for?

"What do you mean 'I'm sorry'?"

"I meant what I said, dip-shit."

Here comes that migraine again. "You know what? I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!" I barked, slamming my fists on the ground. It took me a moment to realize how loud I was. It was late at night now, and hopefully I didn't wake anyone up. I let out a deep breath, and held my heavy head in my hands.

"I know."

Salty drops fell into my mouth, pooling on the wooden floor. My eyes burned with the liquid and weak sadness that had been scratching at my throat. "I_ hate _you... so much..." I sobbed. I craved a helping hand in that moment. The warmth of another to comfort me. A friend. But I have no one. No one but _him_. "A...Asuma..." I sniffed, longingly.

"... I know."

Hidan didn't say anything more. I fell asleep crying. There are some things that you just can't help I guess. Crying being just so. As well as the death of Asuma.

...

I woke up shivering, finding my door outside open. It was hardly dawn, but bright enough for me to see. My muscles protested, but I got up and closed it, instinctively going over to the closet to check on my headless friend. Or so I thought.

"Morning, Hidan. Hungry?" But when I opened the door, he wasn't there. My knees shook, and I turned slowly, my eyes darting around the room. _Shit fuck bitch._ He couldn't possibly hop outside. And even if he did, where the fuck would he go? Did someone find him?

Fear crept into my lungs, squeezing them, but my heart was left to beat heavily and rather quickly against my rib cage. Something wasn't right. I locked that door, and even if he had the key, it would be hard for a head to unlock it.

And in my panic, I felt something more. I felt fear, but this was something else. Dread, despair, remorse. None of that.

..._Betrayal?_

We... _were_ bonding in a way...

**"_Heh heh_, looking for someone?"**

The sudden shock and stress was so hard I almost puked. Reluctantly, I turned around, ever so slowly.

Hidan and his buddy. Or rather, Hidan and his body and his buddy, who was currently stitching him back together again.

**"I told you I'd kill you, bastard,"**

_"AAAHH!"_

My head flew off my pillow, now soaked in sweat. I was laying down, the back door closed and the sun still far from rising.

"Shika?" Hidan's voice called from the closet, "The fuck's your problem?"

I paused, clutched my head and breathed long deep breaths, "Bad dream," I murmured. Once I finally settled down and the panic had washed away, I stood and took the liberty of washing the sweat of my forehead, which was now sticky and hot. "I'll be right back," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes, sore from drowsiness. "You do that." "I will."

The first thing I did when I went to the bathroom was stick my face under the sink. I just went ahead and soaked myself. You'd be surprised on what a difference it makes in my appearance when my hair is down, and wet for that matter.

"Just a nightmare..." I murmured, staring at the mirror. Even if it was just a nightmare, I still felt that bit of something more. Dread, despair, remorse. None of that. "Betrayal..." I nibbled the word at first, hesitant to taste it. I rolled it around on my tongue, reluctant to swallow. "I felt... betrayed... by Hidan..." Betrayal. To hurt someone who trusts you, especially by not being loyal or faithful to them. I checked it in the dictionary (When you're bored enough, reading dictionaries is actually quite fun, and time consuming). I expected nothing less, the nightmare I mean. Hell, that's how I pictured I'd die. So then, why? Sure, we were getting along... Maybe that's it. Maybe I want more. I want to see him. I want to see more than what's there to read of this book.

"Dammit, just how much do I want?" I hissed, rubbing my head furiously. _What is this man to me? _The confusion swam around, the frustration joining it in a dangerous dance. "What do I want from him? Just to know him?" I sighed, angrily. Angry at the situation._ I guess he's not the worst guy in the world. There are worse. Like that Kakuzu... Maybe Hidan and I... could become friends..._

I slapped myself the moment the thought entered my mind, what was I thinking? Befriending my teacher's murderer? No, that's just not how things work. Even if he didn't kill him, we probably wouldn't get along very well... especially considering the fact that he's an S-class criminal, involved in the infamous Akatsuki. And still a murderer.

"Gah, fuck it," I sighed, drying myself and leaving back to my room before I got any more confused. Night time was a time for sleep, not for problems and questions out of my control or reach.

"Holy fuck, Shika, you took _while_," Hidan laughed, "What in the _world_ were you doing?"

"You're a sick fuck, you know that?" I glared, not really wanting to know just what he was referring to (considering the fact that he both just plain immature and probably a perv), laying back down, preparing to slam the closet door shut again, of which he opened (with his epic powers of mind-fuck) while I was in the bathroom [RUN ON SENTENCE, FUUUUUUUCK]. I hesitated before I did though. Hidan looked at me, studying my features as I stared in thought at the wooden floor, as if inspecting each little bird's eye in the wood. "Hidan,"

"Yeah? What do you want?"

"... What do you think of me? As a person..?"

Hidan thought about that for a moment, and I could picture him rubbing his chin if he had a body, "Hmmm, as a person... you're obviously talented and capable... a little pathetic... you think too much, and you like to make things more complicated than they are. You also take things too personally, you're lazy, sloth is a sin you know..." he licked his lips as he searched for more to add to the list, "All in all, I think you're a waste of skin. Not worthy of Jashin, and I still hate you for what you did. But as a person, not all that bad."

I was taken aback, I didn't expect an answer of quite that length, and lacking profanities for that matter. "Hmph. Fair enough. And just for the record, I'm not sorry for what I did."

Hidan grunted, "Just for the record, I don't give a shit."


	6. Chapter 5: I Get It

**Chapter 5: I Get It **

Throughout the rest of the night, I had trouble sleeping. Hidan's answer was just... bewildering. I pondered it. He thought that well of me? Besides his being a Jashinist... it's almost as if he too has realized...our bonding. Maybe we really can... become more than we are now. I mean, sure, he still hated me, but that was a given. He has every reason to hate me. _"But as a person, not all that bad."_

That bit of something I felt... betrayed... not now... rather I felt... fulfilled... redeemed. And as time went by, I wondered, is feeling so good about his comment worse than feeling betrayed? Maybe... just maybe, I really do, deep down, want us to be more than we are. Much more.

Hidan.

I want to see.

I want to see everything.

I woke up again, the sun finally starting to come up. Hidan was snoring, so I shoved him back in the closet to keep him quiet._ What could we possible become._.. It was a false hope I realized, that I might become friends with an S-class criminal. With a murderer. A false hope, that he could possibly see it too. This thin connection that we're slowly forming. The one I want to push just a little farther.

Maybe that's what it needs. A little push.

"Hidan..." I said, though I knew he was asleep and couldn't hear me. "I'm... sorry. I don't want to hate you anymore... I'm sorry for what I did to you." Yes. A false sense of security. A false hope that he might just accept it.

"I'm not sorry for killing him," I heard. "I'm not sorry for ever hating you. I'm not sorry for the pain or suffering I put you through."

So he was awake. I just smirked. "I expected no less."

"But... seeing who you are now, if I cause you any pain in the future... it's... probably not on purpose..."

My heart fluttered for a moment. He doesn't want to hurt me. Yes. All it needs is a little push. And for the first time since we returned from that mission, I smiled. I truly smiled. "Hidan-" but then I could hear his soft breathing, indicating that he was asleep again. Ah, well. All that can wait. Besides, we have all the time in the world.

Feeling suddenly rejuvenated, I stood and decided a little walk wouldn't hurt. I couldn't sleep anymore anyways, so I had nothing better to do. I stepped out through the back and stretched, yawning. The transition from dim to bright light hurt my eyes, but it was nice seeing the golden clouds. I'm normally too lazy to actually get up and watch the sunrise.

My ears perked. Something rustled in the bushes. I felt that sickly intense feeling again, like in my nightmare. Was it Kakuzu? Was I dreaming again? I reached over into the bedroom and grabbed a kunai, just in case. Slowly shaking and sweating. I locked my eyes on the garden, making sure I had my back against the wall, but standing my ground, just waiting. Even if this was a nightmare, I didn't want to feel helpless. Like last time.

More rustling. Anxiety building in my stomach. It's getting closer.

A bunny hopped out of the bushes.

. . .

I didn't say anything. I relaxed. Was I so paranoid...? Watching that little bunny, it was almost... funny. No, it was hilarious. There's no if ands or buts about it, I started laughing. Or rather, cackling. I laughed 'til my sides hurt and fell into the ground, frightening the lil' bunny away, but I couldn't help it.

Not wanting to wake anyone up, I put my hand over my mouth as I continued to roll around. I finally gasped and just breathed for a moment. The laughing beginning to fade, but it's shadow leaving a wide grin behind. "He really is killing me..."

I stood cracked my aching neck and didn't even bother cleaning myself up before I walked out the gate. I put up my hair, and rubbed my eyes, but that's about it. I didn't even grab shoes. Where exactly I was going didn't really seen important and rather I was going out on impulse, but sure as Hell, I was out of there. I knew mom and dad would be worried, but right now I just needed to be... out. Away for a bit. Just take another day to be alive. Even if painfully boring, I wanted to get into the habit of being out. Especially considering I was still a shinobi of the leaf village, and I did want to become a Jounin.

Yes, a Jounin. When Asuma... died, I made a promise to myself. I wanted to pass on what I learned with him onto... 'the king'. "It's my turn to be the teacher." I promised Kurenai too. When the baby does come, I want to be the teacher. Because I know Asuma can't be anymore.

Asuma. I wonder how he's doing...

It was still early and shops were just beginning to open up, but I knew Ino had a thing about being up at sunrise. Maybe she'd open up shop early. Walking down the street, I didn't pay much mind to anyone, and no one really minded me. Some kids a bit younger than me were complaining to their father about how early it was, earning themselves a good knock on the head and a stern lecture about not wasting the day.

Wasting the day. I've done a lot of that lately. Wasted days. Time. Breath. Maybe I _was_ a waist of skin. I suppose... maybe Hidan's analysis wasn't entirely biased. I mean, it's not like I've been really doing anything with this wasted air. Maybe... I was spending too much time wallowing in self-pity when I could be living. I'd been using Hidan as an excuse, but nothing was really stopping me from living. Maybe there really was more to Hidan's statement than what I heard.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Ino's flower shop. Standing there, in front of the small flamboyant building, bursting with color and fragrance... I can't help thinking. What a melancholy job that must be. For Ino. Having to watch as mourner after mourner came in. Getting her pay from other people's love for the deceased. Having to watch people come in to her shop... and knowing exactly why they were there.

I sighed and pushed the door open. Little bells rang at the top of the door, and Ino instantly turned to see me. She smiled, instinctively. I forced a smile myself. Not much of a smile, but she didn't argue. "My, you're sure up early. What's the occasion?" she said, arranging some white roses in a vase. I just stared at them... leaving me with a pained expression. I didn't really want to say it.

"Oh..." she whispered, stopping as she joined me to stare at the roses. Her hands oh so gently lifted up away from the glass vase. Her face was blank, eyes low, and thoughtful. Proving my point. She didn't have to ask. She knew why people came in to her shop.

"How do you do it..." I murmured, leaning against the counter.

"What?" She lifted her head.

"...How do you... come in every day, knowing why people come... to mourn... how can you bare the reminders that so many people are dead... and so many love them. How do you come in in the morning, eager to see those faces..." It wasn't really a question, I was more thinking out loud.

"I come because I know." I lifted my head up to look at her, confused. "People don't come to me because of death. They come because of love." She didn't say anymore. I could see the memories flooding her eyes. She just smiled at me, softly, slipping a white rose into my hands and turning back to her vase.

I stood, staring at the flower she handed me and back to her. "Because of love, huh..." My eyes searched the flower, as if it would fill the emptiness. "In that case..." I said a little louder, "Why don't we pay out sensei a visit?" I smiled. And it was a true smile.

Ino turned back to me, a smile also planted on her face. "Sorry, I'm the only one in shop today. But..." She paused, and picked something up from behind the counter. A small rectangular box with a lily attached to it. "Could you give this to Sai for me..?" She blushed, looking away. My smile widened, and my eyes mimicked. Laughing, I took it and promised he would get it.

Walking out with the white rose and gift to Sai, I stopped and turned to face the building once more. "Because of love..."

...

The moment I reached the graveyard... I hesitated, stopping to stare at all the dead. And all the flowers. I get it, Ino. Sighing, I finally walked over to Asuma's grave, the grass tickling my feet. When I reached his grave, I was surprised. There was a burning cigarette set on his gravestone. And it was lit recently. It couldn't have been Ino or Choiji. Then I heard someone's breathing. I stood abruptly, and nearly gasped when Sai seemed to appear out of no where.

"Hello, Shika. May I call you Shika?" So he was still on with that nick name stuff.

"Uh, yeah, sure... What are you doing here?" I asked, relaxing.

He shifted a bit, smiling down at Asuma's grave. "Studying."

"Uh, how's that going for you..?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck. I hadn't really known him long. Heck, we weren't even acquaintances, really. But I remember Ino talking about him once... "Oh yeah, uh, Ino wanted me to give this to you.." I sighed, holding out the little box. He took it, but didn't really bother to open it or anything. He just stared back down at the grave.

"...Successful." was all he said and he turned away, walking off the property. As he walked, something fell out of his pocket. "Uh, hey! Sai, you dropped your-" I jogged over, "Cigarettes..?" I lifted my head to call after him, but he disappeared.

"Hm... I get it... Because of love."

That sure fit into the end of a lot of sentences. Why can't I get over Asuma's death? Because of love. Why do people buy flowers? Because of love. Why did Sai study emotion at Asuma's grave? ... Because there's so much love there.

But it also still leaves so much unanswered though. Why did I bring Hidan back? ... It would be so easy to just say because of love. But it doesn't make sense. When I was young, I would lay down in open fields and just stare at the clouds and think about just random stuff. And I remember saying... 'Love really doesn't make sense'... I don't remember what brought that on. I think I was watching Sakura and Ino argue about Sasuke. But why did Hidan kill my teacher? Why did Sasuke betray Konoha? ... Oh fuck... Hidan loves his God... Sasuke loved his family. Because of love. Maybe it does fit at the end.

Yeah. I guess it does answer a lot of questions. But it doesn't answer mine. "Because of love" just doesn't fit at the end of "I brought Hidan back." Here comes that migraine. And again, everything somehow ends up back to him. Just like the end of everyday. "Well, I have to go back sooner or later," I sighed, heading back to the house, realizing it was pointless to just wander around town again.

It had just occurred to me, as I was walking back, I hadn't had another mission since Hidan. Was nothing going on? Or did Tsunade-sama just pity me? She did remind me that I volunteered to chaperon the Chuunin Exams. Ino and Choiji haven't said anything about missions either. So here I've been, wallowing in my own self-pity, contemplating wasted time, thinking about my promise to become a Jounin and not doing a damn thing about it.

But if I go on missions again... what I do with Hidan?


	7. Chapter 6: Only in Dreams

**Chapter 6: Only in Dreams**

"Move it to your left- No, your other left!"

"Sorry!"

"Ino, get out of the way! Okay, Choiji, drop it here,"

_Boof!_

"Not like that, baka!"

"Sorry Shikamaru,"

I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "It's fine." You idiot!

I'd finally gotten my apartment. It was on the second floor, even though I requested one on the first. Troublesome. But at least I lived on my own. Choiji and Ino were helping me put in some furniture, the couch being what Choiji just dropped. _Sigh, _it's fine, really.

"Ah, all this moving is making me hungry..."

"Yeah, you still owe me a meal, Shikamaru," Ino patted my back... Don't..._ touch _me. "Oh he does? Can I come?" Choiji quickly intervened, as expected.

"Yeah yeah, let's just finish up here and then we can go..." Troublesome indeed.

It was frustrating moving the furniture in, especially since Choiji needed to stop every five freaking minutes to either snack or rest. Having known Choiji since we were really young, I put up with it, but Ino got a little bit more frustrated. Maybe Asuma was right. Just losing a few pounds would be an improvement. Not that I honestly believe that's going to happen anytime soon.

"Alright, we're done!" Ino cheered.

"Oi, Shikamaru, want us to come over and help you pack the rest of your things?" "No-!" The two stared at me oddly, taken aback by my reaction. "Uh, I... I mean, I have a lot of stuff. Why don't you two go ahead and get lunch, I'll pay."

They exchanged confused glances, but Choiji was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, "If you say so. Just holler at us if you need help." Ino scoffed at him, and came over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, "You know... you don't have to hide things from us. Whatever it is you don't want us to see, I'm sure we'll understand." And with that, she nodded and followed Choiji.

_Damn women, think they know everything. Fuck, Ino was worse than Temari! Well, I don't need women. I have Hi..._

Hidan.

Was I really about to say that? Is he really my only friend? But wait... was I really putting him in where women should be? Is he... my substitute for a relationship with a female?

"What the fuck!" I screamed out to the empty air in the apartment. I started breathing heavily, the odd thought beginning to stress me out. No, the last thing I need is more stress. Fuck, Hidan was right, I do think too much. Why the fuck am I getting all crazy over one little thought? It's nothing!

... Why am I turning red?

I made one last frustrated grunt before shaking the thoughts completely out and started back to the house to get him. Like I said, I have enough problems, and this certainly wasn't helping.

I walked. And walked. And walked. Faster and faster as I went. Isn't wishful thinking absolutely lovely? Shaking things out of my head doesn't completely kill them. And this particular matter would not go away. "Just what is he to me?" I grumbled, extremely embarrassed for some odd reason, and I was sure my face turned five different shades of red. I hadn't noticed that I had stopped walking and was standing in the middle of the walkway, with several of the surrounding women beginning to giggle at me. Now twice as embarrassed, I lowered my head and rushed back.

Is he really so important to me? This _murderer_? We haven't bonded_ that _much, have we? Though, I guess it has been a little more than two months since I brought him back... Wait wait wait! He's a guy! What exactly is going through my sick little head? I mean, I guess I could see us becoming friends. That's it, right? _Right?_ What's going on with me?

"Shikamaru? Are you alright, sweety?" I stood there in the doorway to my house, my mother sitting at the table staring at my tomato-red face.

"Uh... y-yes!" I stuttered, awakening from my thoughts. "I'm just here to get the rest of my stuff," and I hurried into my old room, nearly slamming the sliding door shut.

"There you are, Shika, thought you'd never get back," Hidan called from the closet. My face flushed at the sound of his voice. What the fuck... what the fuck is up with me today...

"H-Hidan..?"

"Yees~?"

Wait. It's... it's coming back to me. What is it I want to ask? That pain from before... And then the haze... What do I need to know? And then, why do I feel this now? So great, not only am I confused about just what exactly I feel towards him, which I'm embarrassed to even think about, I have to endure this.. renewed confusion.

What is it... What is it..?

"Hidan..!" I tried, but my throat tightened up. Silver hair and blood. I need to know.

". . . What?"

"What... what the fuck do you want from me?" I stopped, stone-cold, dead in my tracks.

There was a painful silence. Oh wonderfully painful silence. I don't want... I.. I just... "Bastard..." I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut as tight as they could go. "Why can't you just _get out of my head_!"

Nothing but the silence. That...terrifying silence. I can't even find it in me to breath... Maybe I died right there...

"Feh, the fuck you asking me for? You're the one that brought me back."

_Drip, drip..._

"Uh-! H-hey! The hell's your problem?"

"Hidan..." One month and I've learned hardly anything new. I can't know as I am, despite how much I want to. But no matter how much I want.. I can't be...

Silver hair. Purple eyes, or pink or whatever the Hell they are. Dead, tan skin. Mutilated. Fucking headless. A slew of profanities. An occasional twitch. Playful humor._ Morbid _humor. Blood lust. A masochist. Evil. Destructive. But also longing. Remember the way his face lightens and relaxes when you make him smile.. The way his eyes become so flat when you leave every morning.. That proud expression of his when he hears about your accomplishments. That respect that he shows you. The way he groans when you tease and make fun of him. The way it tickles your stomach when he smirks. The confusion that builds inside every time you hear his voice. The way your heart quickens with each breath he takes.

This is a place where logic and facts really don't make a difference. The only thing that seems to make any sense is that little feeling which is hazy itself. It's a very dangerous place. Your only means of survival is instinct. Acting on impulse. Not holding back. It's the only way, and not doing so... you'll die inside. This place, a place that everyone finds at one point or another, will eat you from the inside.

"Hmph, I think the question is, what do_ you _want from _me_?"

**Bathump!**

"Where'd all this shit come from, anyway? You can't just shove all your issues down _my_ throat, you know."

**Bathump!**

"Hidan..."

"What?"

**Bathump bathump!**

"**Shut up**!"

I think all this time, I've been a masochist too. Looking back on it, I must have been. And I must be... because I can't seem to leave this place. It's too much for me, lazy as I am. It's already starting to eat me, in this wonderfully terrifying silence. If only it could be silent forever. Then, I'd never have to leave and I'd never have to risk that fork in the road that leads you away.

As much as I'd like to savor this little stand still...

"_Sigh... _I'm sorry... you're right. I'm just really... stressed out." I can't.

"Well... good. I mean, not good, but yeah, I'm right..." Hidan said, a bit confused.

"Ready to go? Ino and Choiji are out eating. Just stay quiet," he attempted to protest, but it was muffled in the bag I shoved him in. _Why are my hands so hot? _His skin was so cold... I guess that's what happens when your head gets severed. Deathly cold. Just the fact that it was Hidan I was touching made my pulse race. But that's not what I want to feel. I should be able to touch his face and feel warmth. I should be able to tell him that that shirt was not to be seen in public. I should be able to drag him with me to my favorite places and race him to the fence. I should be able to give him a little friendly punch... and put my hand on his chest and feel his heart beating. Alive and well.

I should. I want. I can't.


	8. Chapter 7: Hope is So Far Away

**Chapter 7: Hope is So Far Away**

I could feel his breath on my back... The bag was really thin, but thick enough that you couldn't tell there was a head in it. My biggest concern was the smell. That thick blood smell, like copper. I could say I just got back from a mission, but I hadn't had any bloody battles since Hidan, and I didn't have anything to support that. So basically, I had to take all the back roads that nobody took. Except me. And my pet head. Alone. Dear Lord.

Alright. Let's think about this _logically. _Hidan killed your teacher, that much is obvious. He's more troublesome than Temari. And he's a_ guy_. Fuck, he's not even a guy, he's a decapitated head! Even if I did admit, as vulgar and disgusting as it sounds, that I had feelings for him, he'd never return it. Even so...even if I don't feel anything, or refuse to feel, which is more likely than anything else... I wouldn't mind... being forgiven.

Then there's so much more to take into consideration. He's an S-class criminal. If he "forgives" me, or vise versa, I still can't trust him. No, we're beyond forgiveness. And what if I don't want to forgive him?_ Sigh_. Because grudges are the most troublesome of all. And all the signs are there, at this point, there really isn't anything to gain from denying it. Maybe I can just rip it off like a band aid. Get it over and done with; I can question it later. But whether I do or don't, nevertheless, it's there...

Love really doesn't make sense. Though I suppose it doesn't have to, seeing how well it seems to work. Then again, it hasn't done team 7 any good. And despite all the pain Naruto and Sakura endure, they still love Sasuke. It's almost pathetic, and painful to watch, but yet again, it seems to work. Does it work for me? No. Love hasn't done shit for me.

"Are we there yet?" came his muffled groan.

"Shut up," I whispered, feeling more anxious than ever. I had plenty on my mind, but my first priority was getting Hidan to the apartment without being seen. Just thinking about what would happen if someone found out... to this day makes me sick to my stomach.

Love really doesn't make sense. That's probably one thing I'm sure of in this life. And although I'm fairly aware of this, it seems determined to grind and pound against me. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's how unsure love is.

Believe it or not, young as I am, I've had plenty of my own love affairs. Some of which I'm still even the slightest bit attached to, and surely some I will never get over. Love has indeed been rough with me. After Asuma, there's no doubt. But as I grow and learn, I've come to realize to get by, sometimes you have to be rough with love.

There's no doubt in my mind that any "love" I come across probably won't be my last, as I'm still quite young. But this one... it makes me feel weak. I feel so light and at home. Like a great burden has been lifted off of my chest... and traded for yet another heavier one. I've had plenty of love, but nothing like this. This feeling is so raw, I'm not sure what to do with it.

When I try to think about it logically, it doesn't make any sense at all. But the more I think about it, progressively continues to lose all sense of reality, the stronger it becomes. Proving once more that love is a very surreal thing. And the more I look at it, the more beautiful it blooms. No, maybe not love... but true love. True love is the strangest. Even though he's far older than I... far from anything like me... and most likely anything but interested in me... He makes my world, as small and self centered as it is, a living painting.

But this love can't be too different. Love, no matter what kind is a very frightening thing.

"We're almost there, just keep quiet," then I felt Hidan sigh, sending a chill up my spine. It was disturbing enough that he didn't have the lungs to breath with, and the same that he didn't have a stomach... where does all that food go, anyway? But that's not what was on my mind. Well, it was when I heard rushed footsteps coming towards us. Two rushed pairs, men, probably mid twenties. Hidan seemed to sense my uneasiness and asked, "Yo, what's going on?" "Be very... _very._.. quiet..." I whispered. _Act casual, you idiot!_ But the fear made it beyond impossible to be casual.

What if they think I'm trying to get him back to Akatsuki? What if they think I'm a traitor? Dontthinkaboutit. What if they don't understand and take him away? What If I have no one left? DONTTHINKABOUTIT. What if Hidan... never knows? . . . This I'd have to think about. If something does happen to Hidan, and he doesn't.. know... all my hope... No, hope is one thing I can't lose now. Despite the fact that hope really is just a false sense of security. Even a false sense of security is a lot at this point though. Now, all I could do was pray to a God I don't even believe in. Just don't take all I have left away from me. If I go blind or deaf or lose all feeling in my body.. I still have reason to live. Please... dear.. _Jashin_... or whoever the fuck you are... don't take my reason to live.

I'm trapped in that one far away land. It's a very hazy place. And one than tends to eat you from the inside if you linger too long. There's only one way out, but that path is pitch black. There's something different at the end for everyone. That something... it's the not-knowing. You can be brave and charge right through it, but more often than not, the other side (which may or may not actually lead to freedom) is far more painful than staying. I don't want to know. More often than not, it leads to a place far more agonizing. The fear... it eats you from inside. But I don't have much left inside me in the first place...

"Shikamaru?"

Don'tthinkaboutit.

"Lady Kurenai."

"Where are you heading off to in such a hurry?"

She stood there in her black dress and sandals, hands on her growing stomach. She must be off on her daily stroll. She's been doing that everyday since she found out she was pregnant. I had often seen her, whispering to herself with a pained smile on her face, walking around town. Probably whispering to the baby. Asuma's baby.

A cold lump lodged itself in the back of my throat. She'd never forgive me if...

"I was just..."

"It's fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

I couldn't look her in the eye.

"What's wrong? You don't look so good."

Maybe I_ am_ a traitor.

"I'm just..."

Her eyes seemed to bore into me. I know everyone says that. But her eyes... it's as if she could see everything, inside out. It's a horrible feeling. Suddenly, I became very vulnerable to her gaze. Naked in the cold alley. I am. I'm a traitor.

And I still... can't give him up.

I was going to break into a run, feeling I'd burst under the awkward silence. Sadistic silence. But Kurenai stopped me, with her piercing, all-seeing eyes. Something brought my face up, and our glazes were locked. She searched me in a very horrible way. Everything I wanted to hold back was suddenly flooding out of my eyes.

"You know, Shikamaru...hearts are often broken by words left unspoken," and with that, the gaze was broken, and, reawakening, I wasted no time in my escape. Words cannot describe how cruel I felt for running away. All I want is to be alone, I just want to be able to be with him, without all this... guilt. What else could I do? Asuma, I'm sorry... I need to live... I can't give up my reason...

"Is the bitch gone? Hey, slow down!"

Everything was going too fast for me, I needed to catch up. If I slow down, even the slightest, I'll be left behind. In my head, I can see him standing so far away. He has his back turned to me of course, but nevertheless he's there. I can run, but is anyone coming? I can scream, but will anyone listening? Hidan... You're so close to me, but still so distant. In my head, as the memories begin to fade, the colors run, the shadows all far apart, all I want to do is reach out to you. But here in reality, you're not there. You're not there for me to reach out to.

...

Hidan wasn't at all impressed with the single room apartment. It wasn't even a single room, it had the living room, kitchen and bathroom, and that's it. Everything was kinda crammed in, but I thought it was cozy. Besides, it would be weird if I got a two-bedroom apartment, when it's supposedly just me. I don't think I could afford that much anyway.

"Yo, Shika,"

**Bathump!**

"You got any water? I'm fucking thirsty."

Get it yourself! Oh wait... No, that's it! That's how I'll do it! It screams 'bad idea', but this feeling in my gut... Always trust your gut. Always. 97% of the time, it's right. If I have to, I'll chain him to a chair, but I am going to do it. I need to show him that I trust him. And then... having an actual person wouldn't be so bad.

"What the fuck are you smiling at? Get me some damn water!"

"Shut it, you'll survive," I hissed, in a particularly cold manner, and stormed outside. I can't let him know what I'm trying to do. There's a process to it all, and he'll screw it all up, ironically. It's nearing the end of the day, so no one will see me... By the time I get back, it'll be after midnight; Hidan will be asleep, and I can work in peace.

Silently now, no one will notice you. I just need him... I just need-

"Shikamaru!"

No, please God no...

Sigh. Act casual. You were just going for a walk, the stress is kinda getting to you. Go on, you can do it, turn around, and give 'em your infamous forced smile. I couldn't. I was caught in the act. Asuma, please, please forgive me.

I couldn't do it. When I turned around, it was just an old lady saying hi. But the guilt was too much. It was a sudden shock so hard I nearly broke down. Besides that though, I can't imagine having to carry all that back. No, I'd have to go and bring Hidan with me. I'd need to think it through some more. And I'd have to do it all without him knowing just exactly is going on.

Asuma, you have to understand. I know you're watching me, wherever you are. This man is so much more than just a murderer, I know he is! Please, trust me, I'll still never forgive him. But I don't have to. I just need... to reach out to him. I need him, Asuma. I'm so far from where I want to be. I know this guilt is you, but the end of this war... it's something we all crave for.


	9. Chapter 8: Never Wanted to Dance

**Chapter 8: Never Wanted to Dance **

Feh, that stupid kid. What do_ I _want from _him_? He's the one that brought me back! And then he starts bawling like a little baby! Seriously, this guy's got more issues than I thought. I mean, sure, he's pissed about his stupid sensei, that's understandable. I'd probably dislike him more if he wasn't at least a_ little _peeved. But what does he gain from bringing me back? Tch, not that I care. As long as he feeds me it doesn't matter.

And... who knows which of these meals'll be my last. That little fucktart, if he's so smart, he should know my immortality comes from my performing sacrifices. Every day it gets harder to breath... Maybe he does know and is just counting the days. That's probably what's going on. But why am I not satisfied with that answer? He's just a stupid heathen, I even said he was a waste of skin! And he is!

I never asked to be brought back. All I ever wanted was to die, but the bastard wouldn't even give me that satisfaction. I don't even have the arms to at least try and take my own life. Then again, if I had arms, I'd probably kill him. I won't deny my smile at the thought of his demise. Oh yes. I know big words too. In your face.

. . . Fuck, but even that doesn't sound as satisfying as it should. Not that it matters, we have gotten to know one another pretty well. I guess it's only natural that I'm a little... probably.. attached. None of it really matters. When you're just a head, things tend to lose their meaning. In the end, nothing ever matters.

"Yo, Shika," he seemed overly annoyed with the name, which of course made me enjoy it that much more. I actually started calling him that just 'cause Shikamaru is a mouth full. Normally he just sighs. He does that a lot. But this time, he jumped up, startled by the sound of my voice. I may as well have snuck up behind him and stabbed him through the chest. Whatever. He seemed excessively jumpy and...panicky today. Especially after earlier. "You got any water? I'm fucking thirsty."

He said it was nothing. Bullshit. You can't just resurrect me, feed and take care of me, ask me what the fuck_ I _want from _you_, have a lil' breakdown and tell me it was nothing. Yeah, he's a little fucked up upstairs, and I probably scarred him for life. But he's a talented kid. He's got skill, and he's probably smarter than me... definitely smarter than me... There's a reason he brought me back.

Well, if he's planning to try and get information out of me, he's out of luck. I don't know shit. And he probably knows it. Heh... maybe he honestly believed I'd chew myself out and come for him. Hey, maybe I would have. Being stuck in a hole like that does shit to you, but that's besides the point. I guess it's just something to think about.

Being disabled gives you a lot of time to think. I can't say I really like thinking so much, but there's not much else to do. Most of the time, I think about what I'd do to that little piss-head if I had my body, but I always end up biting off chunks of my lip. It's all wishful thinking anyway. I can't do anything to him. Can't hurt him. _Kill_ him. Nudge him. Trip him, kick him. I can't even hold...

Hold him. Cradle him. Rock him to sleep, just to stop the tears. Comfort him. He's so pathetic. He's been dead for so long, and he_ still _can't get over it. It's just sad. Every night he cries himself to sleep, and I don't think he even realizes it. I could just tell him to shut up, make him feel like the little shit he is. But he's past the point of pain. He's not going to feel anything I do to him now. Hit someone in a spot over and over again and it'll eventually go numb. But now there's no where left to hit. He's alive and kicking, but there's no doubt. Somewhere behind those sullen eyes, he's dead.

Which brings us back to the same question. Why did he bring me back? Why is it that, after all he went through to.. _bury_ me and kill Kakuzu, he brought me back?

Does _he_ even know?

. . . Is he... smiling?

"What the fuck are you smiling at? Get me some damn water!"

"Shut it, you'll survive," he walked out and slammed the door behind him.

"...What the_ fuck_, man?" Issues. Seriously.

You know what? Fine! I'll get it myself! Seriously, sometimes I think he's pmsing. Anyway, I wanted water, and you're damn straight I was going to get some, one way or another.

Hopping over to the kitchen was the easy part. Nothing too complicated. The place was like a box office, so it wasn't very far. Getting up to the counter... FFFF- "Okay, maybe if I- uhn! No... fuck..."

It's moments like these, I realize how human I am. In the end, we all need the same things to survive. Well, I have to do sacrifices, but in a sense, that doesn't count. I still need to eat. Sleep. I still need what any human needs. If I eat too much, I'll get fat, if I don't sleep, I'll get tired. If I'm alone... I get lonely.

Several failed attempts later, I quickly realized a new plan was in order. Normally, it's not that big a deal. But Shika with his damn mood swings decided to snap at me. I don't react well to getting snapped at. At least Kakuzu was suttle. Kakuzu... I wonder if he's really dead. He never came to get me, so I'm assuming so. Sure, he's a dick-face, but he wouldn't just leave me. Right?

Which leaves me to wonder why the rest of the damn Akatsuki didn't come for me. Bullshit if they don't know, so what the Hell's going on? I admit, sometimes I'm not the nicest guy to be around, but for fuck's sake, I am a part of their team. Unless they're all dead too, there's no reason they shouldn't come looking for me. . . . Maybe they were and that's why Shikamaru brought me back. Yeah. I see. Just to keep me from Akatsuki again. So that's how it is. And to think I might've...

_Sigh_. Jashin fuck, look at me. I'm turning into him! I gotta stop thinking so much. Seriously.

The fuck is this disappointment? Even if I honestly believed Shika had a heart...

He'd never love me.

Fuck, he probably can't even_ forgive _me. 'Sides, if he did, I'd probably lose all this respect I've been saving up for him.

It... kinda hurts though... But this is a far different pain than what I'm used too. Almost sickening. I'm not sure I like it. It doesn't sting or burn, but it lingers. If I had a chest, I imagine it would feel really heavy right about now. It's not exactly new. I'm a grown man after all, but familiar as it is, it's still vague. I'm not sure how to explain it, but everyone feels it. Rejected? Eh, well, that's not the word, but fuck my vocabulary.

Heh... maybe I can ask Shika. I'm gonna die soon anyway. Why not go out with a bang?

Fuck. Now I just sound like Deidara.

If I could jump, I probably would've been three feet in the air when Shikamaru stormed right back in. It had only been a half hour. Normally he'll be gone for hours at a time, just fuming. He didn't look that peeved at the moment, but I could tell there was something really big on his mind. Not something he was upset about... Like he was planning something. I recognized that face. I didn't like it one bit.

"That was quick. You done pmsing already?" Shika sat down on the floor by the table, gave me the finger, but was staring intently out to no where. No, he was definitely looking at something. As if there was a flower blooming in front of him, and he stared at it, focusing and studying every little move; every little detail. It looked strange mostly because there was nothing there, but he stared at that nothingness like he was painting a picture. Not sure I wanted to know how that picture would look in the end.

I'd never actually seen him working through one of his oh so brilliant strategies that I keep hearing about. Everyone says he's a genius, but now it seemed I'd finally get a taste of that genius. Oh, how I would've loved to just bug the shit out of him to see just how ticked I could make him, but I actually wanted to see for myself this "intimate genius." ... Ah, but then I found a reason.

"Hey, you're obviously not doing anything. Get off your lazy ass and get me some water."

No reply.

"Hey, you little shit, answer me!"

No reply.

Then he turned his head and looked at me. Ever so slowly. His expression wasn't exactly what I would expect. Not fearful or angry. More, contemplating. He scrutinized me with painful intensity. If I weren't just a head, I would've squirmed. "The fuck are you staring at?" No reply. I was tempted to spit in his face.

There was a long silence. Like, longer than there's ever been. Then, he finally and completely out of the blue, sighed and said, "Yep, it's worth it."

"The fuck?"

"You'll find out in the morning." then he went over to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. I did notice it did take longer than it normally takes to get a glass of water, but he nearly shoved it down my throat. I would've protested if I hadn't feared of drowning. "Hurry up. And drink it all." I did. Not willingly, but I did.

The next thing I remember was a sack. "It's worth it," was the last thing I heard.

Shikamaru. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sure it'll piss me off. But... if I hurt you, It's... probably not on purpose... _Sigh. _I never wanted to dance with nobody, but you wouldn't take no for an answer, you fucking bitch. There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself. Nothing you_ want _to do at least.

"Hidan... this_ better _be worth it."


	10. Chapter 9: Until the Day I Die

**Chapter 9: Until the Day I Die**

_It's worth it, _I reassured myself. Troublesome. But worth it. So much for sleeping tonight. If I don't get it done now, It'll never happen. And I need this to happen. I can't quite explain it, this deep desire inside of me. To be honest, I'm not quite sure if I trust it or not. Hidan... there must be more. It can't all just be death and blood in that sick head of yours.

You might hate me. You might try and kill me. You might actually _kill_ me, there's no doubt you'll try... but right now, I can't think of a better way to die. I'm not going to lie to myself anymore, I need this now more than ever. I just hope you do too. Even if it's a false hope. I probably won't live to see tomorrow... but at least I'll know Asuma and I die by the same hands. At least I'll know... exactly how you feel.

It's selfish of me, I know. All I've ever known is this painful world of shinobi. No more fighting. No more death. It's time I did something for myself. Sort of.

Hidan. You and I couldn't be more different. We are the epitome of yin and yang. Different to the point where we're no where near compatible. They say opposites attract, but this is different to a whole new extreme. If you asked me... if I loved you, I'd say yes. If you asked me why, I couldn't say. But if you died right now, you know... I'd die too. You remind me of the times when I knew who I was. These past couple of months, I've been racing the clock with you. But still, the second hand will catch us, like it always does. We make the same mistakes. Just like we always will.

We always will make mistakes. Avoiding them is futile. So I'll go ahead and jump the shark; I'll make the biggest mistake now.

The walk seemed a lot longer than I wanted it to be. Maybe it was the silence. Other than those friggin' crickets. But I didn't know how much longer the medication would keep Hidan silent, so I enjoyed it. Or at least tried to. Silence can be a very terrifying thing. Like the dark. You don't know what's lurking in it's shadows... or what's going to come out of it.

Dig. And dig. And dig. It was easier this time, as I actually thought to bring a shovel this time. Just breath. Just stay calm. Calm is key.

I threw up. It took some effort not to throw up on his remains, now decaying. It may have been his scattered innards. It was probably the smell. That thick dead smell. Like a dead animal. My eyes burned, and my mouth was left with a very very bitter taste. It's... worth it.

I would've puked more, scooping him out with my bare hands, but I didn't have anything left inside me to puke. It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it.

"Shika..?"

It's not worth it.

But it's too late now. Even if I wanted to stop. And the worst was just beginning.

With what strength I had left, as the remains of mutilation tend to drain the energy out of you at an alarmingly fast pace, I pulled myself out to face yet another energy consuming task. "Shika, what the fuck, the Hell''s going on?" The pain made it obvious enough, I was probably bruised, red-eyed, and smelly, and the look on Hidan's face wasn't exactly rewarding. I was shaking, but I did manage to get the blind fold on him. It was necessary. Luckily, there was nothing left in the hole. I wasn't sure how I'd manage a needle and thread in this condition, but there wasn't enough time. It was now or never.

This is why I envy medic ninjas. I put the pieces together, to the best of my ability, and I must say, it was indeed a struggle, especially in the dark and gagging the whole time. If it weren't for the fact that I listened in on Ino's rant about the human body, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it at all. Hidan's yelling and screaming wasn't helping much either. I just need to get it done. What happens next doesn't matter. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. Whatever lies beyond this morning... it's more than worth it.

One thing I was grateful for, he didn't feel any of it. I had spent at least two hours putting him back together, and now I had maybe three left to sew him back up. What a lovely sentence. What a _lovely _way to spend the night, don't you think? He may not have felt it, but I was in a lot of pain. And no, I'm not talking about the mental toll or the stress. I kept pricking my fingers, or breaking the string and having to start again. Then there's the smell. There are no words for how painful an odor it was. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. The details, to this day, are a painful memory.

But, I just kept telling myself, it'll all be worth it. I just had to imagine... just had to dream. Being able to see him. All of him. Maybe... maybe earning his trust. Maybe I can finally ask him... Whatever it is I want to ask. Imagine touching his skin and being able to look up to him. Being able to tell him to get his own damn water or just leave me alone without having to get up and move him away. Of course, that's just me daydreaming. Me and my wishful thinking. As if he'd actually let me live. It's worth it.

Until the day I die... I'll spill my heart for you.

**. . .**

Morning came. And it brought happy rays of sunshine and chirping birds and all those good little things about life. It also brought a very loud-mouthed wake-up call.

"Shikamaru! For fuck's sake, wake the goddamn fuck up!" It sounded like he had been screaming for a while. It took some time before I could actually get my eyes open, dried with tears and stinging from fatigue, and the sun certainly didn't make things any easier.

The first thing I saw, was his bloody body, and severed head not far from it. I did it. Now, I just needed to add his head. Heh, I lived to see the next day. Asking to see the day's end would probably be pushing my luck... "Good morning... Hidan..." He only growled as a reply, obviously satisfied that I'd awoken, but not particularly happy with my response.

I probably could've gotten up. Finished the job. But the pain... from both puking my guts out and sleeping out in the woods over night was not doing me any justice. Not that I expected any less.

"Hidan... Please tell me... this is worth it..."

"_What's_ fucking worth it?"

Yeah. It's worth it.

My body protested of course, but I managed to sit up. The worst was finally over. I hoped. It was still sickening to look at him, but seeing as he healed from the first battle when we saw him the second time, I was assuming it would get better eventually. If I lived to see eventually. I'm not even sure if I want to see eventually anymore... But I can't just stop now. Time to finish the job.

Hidan was certainly not amused. I didn't really have the strength to listen though, even if I wanted to. I needed to focus on _this_. Should I bite my tongue 'til blood soaks my shirt? Just tell me why this hurts so much...

I wasn't shaking as badly anymore. Sleep, no matter what kind, for the most part, heals the body. Hidan's head felt heavier than it probably should have, but it must just be the fatigue. I removed the bandages from his severed neck...

"Hey... hey, what the Hell are you-!"

The needle penetrated his skin, and the first stitch was made. Then another. They were surprisingly more sloppy, but they were sturdy. I couldn't quite tell what Hidan was thinking, considering there was a blind-fold on him, and he'd shut up completely. I wasn't sure if I was surprised or not. Him shutting up, I mean. I pricked my finger again, but luckily it was on the very last stitch.

I put the needle down, but struggled to decide whether or not to remove the blind-fold. His eyebrows knitted together. He was finally starting to understand. He gagged for a moment, but then his chest started to rise, oh so very slowly, and then fall again. I was so tempted to shout out, "It's alive!" But it didn't seem appropriate. His fingers twitched. And then... popping. Little, _snap snap snap _noises. Like those little pop-it things you get when they're doing fireworks. His bones maybe? Something was definitely moving inside of him. The popping stopped, and he gasped and shuttered. His hand flexed, and he swallowed.

Completely on impulse, as I really don't know what I was thinking or what I hoped to achieve, I removed the blind-fold. His pupils got big for a second, then really small. When it appeared as though he had adjusted his sight, he turned to me. He stared at me as if he'd never seen me before. "I can move."

"H-Hidan-" There was strength in those hands. Despite being dead just moments before. Strength, but he held it back. Just enough that he didn't completely rip my throat out. I'm sure he could've crushed my throat if he wanted to. But the look in his eye... He knew dead men tell no tales.

"Why..."

"_Ack_, H-Hidan!"

"Why the fuck did you bring me back?"

I didn't even have the strength to struggle. No. What was left of me now was slowly slipping away.

Then his grip loosened.

"I... I hate you..."

"I know..." it was little more than a raspy whisper.

"I'll... I'm going to kill you..."

"...Kill me..."

It hurt, but I was able to put my hand on my chest... _Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you. _

And then, nothing.


	11. Chapter 10: Canvas

**Chapter 10: Canvas**

Silence. But this time... it's not terrifying. Eternal silence. Ah, sweet bliss.

But... what is this soft beating I hear? Soft and constant. Steady and warm. Like a fire in winter. Warm enough that I suddenly become aware of how cold it is. Where am I? Long shadows lure me in. There more I look, the less I see. Maybe if I just close these nonexistent eyes of mine... and just breath.

Breath. I can breath. And that warmth.. It's so strong, but so far away. That warmth... I... need it. If only I could reach for it...

"Hidan..."

I just can't find the strength...

"I'm here."

That soft warmth... now a burning comfort. I can feel it hovering over me, it's fingers brushing past my skin... It's so cold.

"Please..."

I just can't find the strength to pull you up and keep you taut...

"Please, what?"

**Bathump!**

It's so hot... but it's not overpowering.

"Stay..."

"Shikamaru... Shikamaru, wake up."

Maybe if I...

"Hidan..?"

Silver hair and blood.

And brilliant amethyst eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I'm... alive..."

"...Yeah."

**Bathump... bathump... bathump...**

The sweeping insensitivity of this... still life. I can't take it anymore.

"I'm alive."

It finally began to sink in, and I had attempted to lift myself up, but my body seemed as heavy as led. I felt as if I had just been born again. Not that anyone could possibly remember what it's like to be born... but there are no words to explain this feeling. Maybe it was just the realization that I wasn't dead. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing.

Then came the pain. Another burning sensation, but this time it was in my throat; an entirely different feeling than that comfort I'd experienced just moments before. The fatigue was setting in again.

But this time there's a hand. One that has no ill will, or violent intent. It was certainly familiar... that warmth!

The mix of pain and joy was overwhelming, like being punched in the stomach. I remember now.

I didn't quite know what was going on, or what had just happened. Rather I knew something happened, but it was all a haze. I remember Hidan strangling me, but after that, darkness. Like trying to look in the mirror after a hot shower.

"Hidan..."

"How many times are you going to say my name?" The look on his face was unreadable. Completely and painfully blank. I remember now.

"Why didn't you do it?"

"Do what?" Now he sounded annoyed.

I paused, "Kill me."

He scratched the back of his neck. It was odd, after so long of seeing him as just a head, "Tch... Like you have any right to ask questions." He avoided looking at me in the eye. It was easier now that he had a body to move with. His body.. I'd worked so hard to make that happen. Maybe I _didn't_ have any right. He was probably more confused than I was. "So let me ask you this. Why... the_ fuck_... did you bring me back?"

No... the warmth; it's gone.

Maybe I can finally... do something for myself.

I cannot explain to you how painful it is to have something you love so dearly, with every fiber of your being, and watch it slip through your fingers. So here I am. With my beloved. In the middle of no where. Bruised, bloody, and exhausted. I'm sick of watching everything that's important me slip away. No, _ripped _away. I just can't find the strength...

God knows what possessed me. Maybe it was that craving, that uncontrollable desire that made me do it. That phenomenal warmth must have impulsed me. Influenced by desire... how out of character of me. I wish I regretted it.

I think I actually did die for a second. But when I felt his breath as I pulled away... I think he breathed life into me again. The sudden warmth made me shiver.

When I was finally in my own space again and I got the courage to open my eyes, his were tightly shut. I didn't dare say a word, or even move. I was almost afraid to breath. And thus the terrifying silence is born again. What's going on, I don't even...

"Where..." he finally whispered, "Where did it go..."

"Where did what go?" I was hesitant to answer.

"... That warmth."

**Bathump!**

"... This warmth..?" I leaned in again, but only brushed my lips over his this time. My muscles were beginning to give out on me, but it was worth it.

"No. It was warmer." Then he raised his hand, eyes still firmly shut, and rested his hand on my chest. More silence. It hurt staring up at him. He was a lot taller than me, I came to realize. I don't remember him being that tall. His hand got a little firmer, as if he was debating whether or not... to grab at me. "I can't do it."

"Do what?" There wasn't more to say. God probably doesn't even know what to say in this situation. Probably.

"Hurt you."

**Bathump!**

"I can't... I can't do shit, no matter how... fucking pissed I am..." His hand clenched, scrunching up my shirt, pulling me towards him ever so slightly, but even that movement was nauseating. "No matter how fucking... happy I am." He still wouldn't open his eyes.

I wanted to touch him. I wanted to do _something_. But what strength I had left I focused on staying awake. What _could _I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could possibly do. Absolutely nothing. And that, knowing how useless and helpless you are, is the most troublesome feeling one can ever endure. More silence. Like a blank canvas. But no paint to color it with. A blank fucking canvas. At that one moment, my one and only desire was to sleep. Just rest, let the dizziness fade away, and the pain heal. But from the look on his face, I doubted he would give me that luxury. Not that I honestly believed I deserved it.

"Tch, what do you want from me?"

"I..."

"Tell me, dammit!"

"I can't breath..."

"What more do you fucking want? What more can you take from me?"

After that, all I can seem to remember is staring up at him from the ground.

**. . .**

I woke up again. Not feeling much better, but at least it was something. I had a feeling I'd be pulling twigs from my hair for weeks. My head was pounding... This was all going too fast.

Hidan was still there. Sitting by a tree, huddled in his head in his knees. I saw that he had helped himself to the cloths I had brought with me, despite the fact that he completely ignored the shirt, which I had intended to give him anyway. It was better than him being naked, I supposed.

Okay... this didn't quite turn out the way I expected. I was so sure he'd kill me, but here I am. And here he is.

Maybe we really can... be more than we are.

**Bathump!**

"So what now?" Came his strained voice. He didn't even lift his head to look at me.

I hadn't the foggiest idea. The silence was now beginning to mock me. But words... words are meaningless. And forgettable. It's not worth it.

He lifted his head after a long period without speaking. His eyes looked far more strained and tired than ever before. The stitches and blood every made it an even more morbid picture than I realized...

... But didn't I... did I really just... kiss him? . . . And.. he let me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

I think I remember what it is I want to ask... Maybe...

**Bathump!**

"What am I to you?"

It was his turn to be silent.

"Tch..." he scratched the back of his neck. He did that a lot, I noticed. A habit he had made for himself to make up for not answering right away. "I don't know anymore." Nothing really seemed to make sense anymore, so I didn't hide my smile. It was without reason, but smiles often are. He looked at me, but only for a brief moment before he turned away... lightly touching his lips with the tips of his fingers. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I really didn't care. The world could fall apart, and I'd still be the happiest man alive. This feeling... was like my own personal wonderland. "Can we... get the Hell out of this forest? . . .Please?"

That caught me by surprise. First of all, where could we go? I couldn't very well take him back to Konoha. And considering it was broad daylight, we probably couldn't go anywhere he wouldn't be recognized. My apartment was our best bet, if I could just figure out how to get him there unseen. The "please" was also shocking. Seems I've taught him well.

Yes, that's right. Just distract yourself. Focus on little trivial things like that. There's most certainly no tension in the air. Certainly nothing awkward about the situation... Who am I kidding. We can't go on like this anymore. We have this big blank canvas, and I am going to paint it, one way or another. Even if in the end it turns out like shit. Anything is better than this.

"Can you run? We should be safe back at the apartment."

"Tch, you mean that fuckin' box office? Hmph. Fine." I ignored that. It was a relief when he stood up and stretched out. The sound of his neck and back popping made me cringe,but he sighed with satisfaction. Sitting below him, I suddenly realized just how much bigger he was than me. And indecently, older. Great, yet another reason to make this even more messed up. "You coming or not?" he barked impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah..." I murmured, pulling myself up. But... my legs disagreed with me. The pain shot through, all the way down my spine, forcing me back down again. "Ack..!"

"Eh? What's your problem?" Ignorant as ever.

"Nothing, it's...nothing... I'm fine, just give me a sec."

"Ri-ight. You don't look so hot, hotshot."

"Gee, I wonder why..."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing nothing." Retard. I had to bite back the last.

But I was most certainly not fine. My legs absolutely would not cooperate. I didn't think I broke something, but if we were ambushed, either I let Hidan kill everyone, or we're screwed. Not like I'd be able to stop him anyway, but you get the point. My attempts to hide it obviously failed, as I winced and gasped every time I tried to move. Hidan, much to my surprise, possibly distress, but soon , sighed and came over to me.

The sudden movement sent another painful shock, but it only lasted a moment. But it wasn't just the pain that shocked me. Was it pity? Or impatience? Either way...

Hidan was a lot stronger than I thought he would be after being decapitated in a hole for so long. I could feel what was left of his muscles, which was far more than mine, working and not struggling in the least. I wasn't sure how I felt. And I most certainly didn't think I deserved... to feel so good about it. He still smelled bad, but I'd live with it. It all added to how surreal this whole thing was. Hidan... actually carrying me, and not bitching at me to get off my lazy ass and walk. It's... probably just pity. He did strangle me, after all.

But, even if it is just pity, this is not the Hidan I knew. This was someone else entirely. I wished he would stop, stop showing me this kindness, stop being someone other than the loud-mouthed asshole. Because now there's a glimmer of hope that we could actually be something. I just can't find the strength...

It was awkward, for me at least. Hidan didn't seem to mind it. We didn't speak, other than my showing him which way to go. I figured I could just force the shirt on him and have him pull it over his head so no one would see him. Yeah. That'll _totally_ work. I didn't have anything better though, and no time to think. Not that I could actually focus on something like that.

"... Would you stop fucking looking at me like that?"

Oh shit. Staring without realizing it. Not a good sign. And.. blushing?

"You know, what, just... just put me down, I can walk."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No. You can't"

"Watch me," but it was no use. He wouldn't let me down even if I could walk. "I can walk, dammit, let me down!"

**THUD.**

I glowered at him. What could I say? He let me down.

"Allright, hotshot, let's see you fuckin' walk."

...I couldn't. I tried, God knows I tried, but I didn't protest when he picked me back up again, smirking. "Wipe the damn smile of your face."

Then he stopped, face utterly blank. No. Not another blank canvas. I will paint it. "That's... not what I meant." and the broad smile krept on his face again. "I know." I would've stuck my tongue out him, but I wouldn't doubt he might bite it.

Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before the takeover... Hidan, what've you done to me...


	12. Chapter 11: Let it Die

**Chapter 11: Let It Die**

In the beginning, we had fire in our eyes. In the beginning, I never felt so alive. In the beginning you.. You blame me but...**  
**

I did manage to walk on my own after a while. It was Winter, so it got pretty dark quicker. There weren't many people out, but I didn't look a gift horse in the mouth and tugged Hidan along as fast as I could manage without looking suspicious. There wasn't any time to think. If I ran into Ino or Choiji or Kakashi, Kotetsu or Izumo, the list goes on, I'd be screwed. But as long as Hidan kept his head low, I couldn't worry about it. Getting him to the apartment was first priority. One of the oddest priorities I've ever had, and God knows it felt awkward as fuck, sneaking an Akatsuki to my place of residence.

It had to be at least 6:30 by the time we walked down the hallway to my apartment. I had half expected to see Choiji or Ino sitting in the hall, but it was empty. My stomach eased just a bit. A reprieve, even limited, and time stops for no one, was still a reprieve.

I had my keys in the door when the door behind us opened. I dropped my keys, leaving them dangling. My hand immediately went to pull the hood down on the coat of which I had to force onto Hidan. It was instinct. Not something I thought about doing. My hand was just on his shoulder when an elderly woman appeared in the door. I eased my hand down, let it slide down his arm. I don't think either of them knew what I was doing, because her smile never faltered, but his of course did.

I recognized her as the woman who had stopped me so long ago. When I was still getting used to having Hidan around. One of those days that I needed to escape. I couldn't seem to recall her name, but she was unmistakable. Thin with age, and white hair pulled back into a bun at the nape of her neck. She never wore makeup and never apologized for being over sixty. She seemed to enjoy being old.

"Shikamaru, you're running a little late tonight," she said. A small dog yapped in the background like a stuck record.

I frowned at her. Since when had she payed attention to when I was home or not? I hadn't even lived here that long. Before I could say anything, Hidan turned and held out his hand in a friendly greeting way. His hair fell around his face in an unruly mess of silver. I had given him one of my favorite sweaters. Shame it was now probably permanently stained. No doubt it would take weeks to get that smell out. She hadn't seemed to notice it though. The dog was barking at him, inches away from his leg, as if working up the courage for a quick nip. "It's nice to meet you ma'am, I'm Hidan." . . . What the. . .

"Oh you, stop that," she said. She looked up at Hidan, taking his hand in a firm grip. "You can call me Ichi. I'm sorry about lil' Chongun, I've never seen him behave like this around anyone. Shikamaru can tell you that he likes almost everyone." She looked to me for support, embarrassed about her dog being rude to a guest.

I nodded, "You're right, I've never seen him act like this before." I was looking at Hidan, though. His face was as closed and careful as I'd ever seen it.

"I was just going out for a walk, but I'm very glad I could meet your friend, Shikamaru," she smiled, nodding at me, "I'm sorry Chongun made this visit so unpleasant."

"Not at all. I always enjoy meeting new people."

"So polite," she said. Her face had broken into a wonderful smile. She'd only just met Hidan though. God knows what he was up to, but whatever it was, I hoped he could keep it up around other people. She liked him, even though she knew nothing about him. Snap judgment.

Hidan stepped out of the way so she could make it out into the hall. Chongun followed behind her, yipping furiously. The dog looked like an overly ambitious dandelion. But it was a pissed dandelion. The dog bounced forward on tiny feet, giving a little hop with each bark. "Will you get over here, Chongun?"

I held the door open for Hidan. The dog gave a running bound as he turned to go inside, darting in to nip at his ankle. Hidan looked down at the dog. Chongun stopped a nose away from his pants leg. He rolled eyes upward, a look in his doggy eyes that I'd never imagined I'd see. A considering look, as if he wondered if Hidan would actually eat him.

Hidan slipped through the door. Chongun Just stood there in the hallway, as subdued as I'd probably ever see him. But that wasn't what was on my mind. I tried to smile back at Ichi, and closed the door. Chongun started yapping at the closed door. I locked the door out of habit and turned to face the music.

Hidan had draped the coat on my couch. Clean. Fucking. Couch. He had a tank top underneath it though. I'm glad he kept it on. I really didn't need to see the stitches again. He went straight towards the fridge and lifted out cartons on leftovers from the night before. He knew where everything was, and was taking advantage of his free will. I put my coat on the back of the couch with his and slipped out of my shoes. Hidan didn't have any shoes to take off and left a trail of dirt behind him. Uuugh.

"Nice jacket," he said. His voice still neutral. Should I risk questioning him? At this point, I think not.

"Thanks." I_ had _been going to take it off, but he liked it, so I kept it on. Silly. But true. We were both being so careful. The tension in the room was choking.

I got plates out of the cabinet. I got a cold coke from the fridge for me and poured a glass of water for Hidan. He didn't like carbonated beverages. I'd taken to keeping a jug of cold water in the fridge just for him. My throat felt tight as I set the drinks on the table.

He set out the silverware. We moved around the minuscule kitchen like dancers, knowing where each would be. We left the lights off. The only light was from the living room, leaving the kitchen in semidarkness like a cave. It was as if neither one of us wanted to see clearly.

We sat down at last. We stared at each other over the food on our plates. The smell of hot food filled the apartment. Warm and comforting on most occasions. Tonight it nauseated me. He had filled a saucer with sweet and sour sauce. It was how we always ate. Sharing a bowl of sauce. Damn.

His amethyst eyes stared at me. I was the one to look away first. I didn't want to do this. "So, do all dogs act like that around you?"

"No. Just the stupid ones."

"Chongun thinks he can take you?"

"Tch, it's just a dog. I eat pieces a shit like him for breakfast."

"Unhealthy." I said.

He smirked, "I don't eat dogs."

"That's not what I...ah, shit." If we were going to do this, might as well do it right. "What am I to you? Why didn't you kill me, what do you want from me? What more do you want me to say?" I flooded him with questions. Not the the smartest plan of action, but there isn't much to work with in this situation.

He didn't answer for a long time. Just stared at me. I didn't rush him. "That's not fair."

"Fuck fair."

"Fuck you."

"Dammit, you're avoiding the question!"

"That's fucking four, you fucktart, what do you want _me _to say?"

"I want to know why you didn't kill me! God dammit, what more is there to say?"

"Would it make a difference?"

I thought about that. "Maybe."

"You didn't have to bring me back. This isn't fucking fair, you've put me through Hell and back, and now suddenly everything's _my _fault? Fuck that, you tell _me_ why I'm here."

I couldn't answer. "I fucking kissed you, you asshole. Take a hint." Everything was kinda coming on it's own. I had no control anymore. Somehow I doubted he had any more control than I did.

"You think I don't know that? Fuck, another reason why you can't fucking blame me, the fuck d'you do that for?"

Uh... "Are you gonna kill me?"

"That's not-"

"Is killing your answer to everything?"

"Shit, don't change the subject!" He stood up, hands pressed on the tabletop.

"Well, if you're not going to kill me, what _are_ you going to do? Go back to Akatsuki?"

"No, I-"

"I can't imagine they'd really just abandon you. Did'ya hear? Kakuzu escaped. Think he'll come here for ya?" He didn't really. But Hidan didn't know that.

"If you hurt Kakuzu, we are going to have more than just words."

"You'd kill me, just like that?" I was leaning back in the chair, arms crossed over my chest. His expression was amazed and angry.

"...Just like that." He hesitated.

"So you need a reason to kill me. Why don't you just kill me now, then, while you have the chance? No? What am I to you, then?"

"Don't sound so amazed, hotshot. I have no loyalty to anyone."

"That doesn't answer my question, fuck, that didn't even make any sense. You'd kill me for Kakuzu, isn't that loyalty? Yet you won't kill me without a reason, that sure sounds like loyalty to me, don't you think?" What on Earth was I saying?

"I've known him a lot longer than you."

"But he's not in love with you!" That... That wasn't supposed to come out...

He stopped, stood up, and shrugged. Neither of us was sure what to say. Nothing seemed like a safe bet.

"You don't understand... I need to know. What am I to you? Do you hate me, or what, tell me. Please."

More silence. God, fuck. And the longest we'd ever endured. It was heavy and thick. There wasn't even any room to squirm.

"I want you." He finally said. Finally breaking the silence. Words, like violence, always break the silence. They come crashing in, into my little world. "I want to hold you. Touch you. Can you stand to touch me, knowing what I am? Knowing I could kill you and still sleep like a baby. Knowing I'm not sorry for killing your pussy-teacher. Knowing-"

"Th-that's enough..." He wouldn't meet my eyes. His hair fell forward, hiding his face. I'd heard enough. Words are trivial. And forgettable.

I stood up, taking that step that left me looking down at him. He raised his head to face me, his eyes were flat with uncertainty. Whether or not he should feel guilty. No doubt he didn't. The confusion on his face was raw. I thought that all that had made a difference. Him being a murderer. I flashed on his unnatural strength. The blood on Asuma's shirt. The things he had said to me before he'd been buried alive. But staring into Hidan's face, close enough to touch him, none of that was real.

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try. I just don't want to hear it anymore.

I leaned over him, bending down to kiss him. The first kiss was gentle; chaste. He made no move to remove me, hands in his lap. I kissed his forehead, hands combing through his hair, so I could feel the warmth of him against my fingers. I kissed his eyebrows, the tip of his nose, each cheek, and finally his lips again. He sighed, breathing into my mouth, pouring in like water, and I pressed my lips against his like I'd eat him from the mouth down.

His arms wrapped around my back, hands hesitating at the waist, fingers slightly lower. His hands jumped to my thighs, skipping all those questionable areas. I put one leg on either side of his knees, and straddled his lap. Hidan made a small sound of surprise. He stared at me, and his eyes were drowning deep. I raised his tank top top over his stomach, running hands against bare flesh and raw scars; messy stitches. I couldn't really smell him anymore. "Off," I said.

He raised the tank over his head in one movement, and I watched it fall to the floor. I sat in his lap, staring at his bare chest. I should've stopped right there, but I didn't want to. I pressed my face into the bend of his neck, breathing in the smell of his skin, his hair covering my face like a veil. I cuddled into him, and I didn't stop him when he raised his hand, letting my hair go loose. I shook it out, letting it tickle his neck, and yes, I knew it tickled him because he shivered a little bit. I ran the tip of my tongue in a thin line of wetness down his neck, across his collarbone.

His hands kneaded the small of my back, sliding downward. His fingers danced over my ass, then up to my back. Point for him. He didn't grope me.

"Mind taking off the jacket?" He had a questioning look, as if he wondered why I'd kept it on. I didn't want to have to explain that I kept it on because he said he liked it. Awkward. But he didn't question it and buried his face in my hair. My throat was dry, but I nodded, trying for the zipper. My hands didn't seem to want to work though. Hidan took my hands and placed them to either side. He undid the zipper for me, and undid a couple of the odd buckles on it, each pull making me move just a bit. I huddled my shoulders in as he pushed it off of me.

His face was startlingly close. His lips were soft, full. I licked the edges of his mouth. The kiss was quick and messy. I wanted to run my mouth over other things. Down his chest. It was shocking. We'd never imagined touching each other like this. Not me, at least. Not in my wildest dreams.

He pulled my under shirt out of my pants, running hands over bare back. The feel of his naked skin on places he'd never touched before made me shudder. . . Amongst other things that I could feel... Like his manhood.

In the beginning, we had time on our side. We... we had nothing to hide in the beginning. In the beginning you... You blame me, but...

"We have to stop now..." It wasn't very convincing, as I whispered it into his neck.

"What?"

"Stop." I pushed back from him, enough to see his face. Just enough to breath. My hands were still playing with his hair, touching his shoulders. I dropped my hands. Made myself stop. He was so warm. I raised my hands to my face and could smell him on my skin. Him, and not death. I did not want to stop. From the look on his face, the feel of his body, I could tell neither did he. "We should stop now..."

"Why?" His voice was just barely above a whisper.

"Because if we don't stop now, we might not stop at all."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

Staring into his eyes, from just inches away, I almost said no. "Maybe. Yeah."

"Why?"

Why, indeed. And to be honest, I wasn't entirely sure myself. I knew we couldn't go further. Hadn't the slightest idea why. Because I'm... well, not ready sounds too cliche. And I sure as Hell feel ready. More than ready. "Because one night is never enough," I finally said. I didn't think that was actually the reason, but it was the best I could come up with.

"You can have this every night," he said, breathing into my neck, making me shiver.

"...Is that a proposal?"

He pulled himself up and blinked at me. Trying to draw himself up to think. I watched the effort and struggled with it myself. It was hard to think sitting in his lap, so I stood up. His hands were still under my shirt, on my bare back.

"What's wrong, Shika?" Shika... That was the fist time he'd called me that since he got his body back.

What could I say? What's wrong? Fuck, this whole damn thing was wrong. It was wrong of me to bring him back. Wrong times ten thousand that I gave him his body back. Wrong long past infinity that we be here, doing this. Wrong. An understatement that I be standing here. Wondering if he'd really commit to a relationship. With a heathen. With a waste of skin.

I stood staring down at him, hands on his shoulders for balance. Still too close for clear thinking. I backed away, and he let me go. I leaned against then kitchen counter, trying to think enough to make sense.

"What's wrong...? Isn't it wrong that you're a fucking S-class criminal? Isn't it wrong that we're both... guys? Wrong? What _isn't_ wrong?" Wrong. The most wrong part was that I had no regrets. Not a one.

"You're scared." I could hear the 'you pussy' at the end, but he bit it back. I saw him. "Don't be."

"I am."

"Why?"

"Because life is too complicated for this."

"Life's always f-" he paused and took a breath, "complicated. Say yes."

"Yes to wha-" I looked up at him. He had stood, and was reaching for my hips. "Oh." Shit. The look on my face must have said it for me. He just nodded. I bit my tongue. Just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Either this was one of those lucid dreams, or Hidan was standing in front of me, telling me he wanted a relationship. I wasn't sure which one I preferred.

"Okay, how can I make this clear. Who are you?"

He paused, not entirely sure what I was getting at. "Hidan," he said.

"And _what_ are you?"

"I'm-. . . Oooh."

"Yeah."

"So, what, you got what was advertised." That was true. God knows that was true. "What's the problem?"

I stared at him. "I'm not going to give up everything I know to be true and hold dear for you. I'm not just going to stop and drop everything just because you wouldn't kill me like I thought you would."

He paused. "Suicide is a sin."

"That's not suicide. It's murder. Anticipated murder."

"Same shit."

"No. It's not."

"Tch, what do you want me to do?"

"... I wanted you to kill me."

"That was a past-tense. What do you want _now_." Holy mother of fuck, he knows what a past-tense is.

"You." That wasn't supposed to come out either.

"Then, say yes."

Well, it's too late to take it back now. "... Yes." The moment I said it, I wanted it back. I won't deny, I lusted after him. I even loved him maybe more than a little. Did I suspect he'd probably make the rest of my life a living Hell? Fuck, I just diagnosed that.

He kissed me, his hands pressing against my back. I drew back enough to breath, and said, "Wait,"

"What is it now?" I really disliked his tone when he said that.

"... Y'know what? Never mind." and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me. All the complicated stuff could wait. Sure. There were that hand full of people that would recognize him. Sure. There was always the chance Akatsuki would come looking for him. Heck, he might just pull out a knife and stab me now, with my guard down. As long as the last never happened, it could all wait. Heck. I might just wake up. Hopefully not the last.

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try. I just can't let it die.


	13. Chapter 12: All I Ever Wanted

**Chapter 12: All I Ever Wanted**

All I ever wanted was to see you smiling...

_"But what about the rest of it?"_

I hate waking up in that cold sweat. Or from a subconscious death. It's hard to move, hard to breath, but you know you're alive, because your heart is pounding fast, and you can taste the fear in the back of your throat.

It didn't make any sense... these dreams I'd been having. And that voice that resounds before I wake, one I don't recall ever hearing outside of these dreams. All I can seem to remember in that haze between asleep and awake is that thick cold feeling. Not that I really cared to know where they were coming from. I had other things to deal with.

"Dude, how can you not have milk? Seriously, how the fuck do you eat cereal without milk?"

It only took about a day for Hidan to reorient himself, not shy about helping himself to whatever was in the fridge. It certainly was a bit of a load off my own shoulders, not having to feed him all the time. And it was a bit relieving to see him acting lively and obnoxious after these awkward nights...

There's no actual bedroom in the apartment. Just the small living room, kitchen and bathroom. Luckily, I had enough blankets that we could both sleep fine on the hard floor. That first night though... It was a bit , God, that first night...

I remember waking up thinking, "Dear Lord, what did I do to my back?" Then wondering where in fuck my pants were... then not caring to think any further when I saw Hidan half naked right next to me. What happened last night? I was laying in his arms, that I can remember... and the raw feeling of his stitches, wondering if they'd ever heal. I tell you, it's never a good feeling to wake up, not knowing who or why there's another man sleeping half naked next to you. Worse yet, I did know who it was. And I was still debating if I wanted to know why... No... Kn-knowing is so troublesome, it's what I've said from the beginning, right?

So I didn't question it. Nor did I question why I had his scent on me, why our hair was so tangled or why my pants and shirt were on the other side of the room. And I certainly didn't bother to put any thought into why Hidan never argued when I made a separate bed for him, far from mine.

Since that first day I brought him back, we've avoided physical contact... at least, I have. Hidan's always the one to start a conversation, and I'm always the one to end it. I don't mean to be this way, I don't know what it is... Hopefully, it's just this uncertainty... Or maybe it's these dreams that've been making me so uneasy. In any case, today began like any other day, besides the fact it was a bit quieter than normal, and Hidan grabbed a handful of cereal in his hand without a word. I groaned, knowing I'd be cleaning that up later, but I was in no mood to complain.

"You said yes..." came his low whisper.

"Hm? What was that?"

Hidan shook his head, sticking his beloved fruity pebbles back on the fridge with the rest of his sugary demands.

"No, what did you say?" I prodded, not in the mood for his own mood swings.

"It's not what I said, dipshit."

"What is it then?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Well, you said it out loud, so I can kindly assume that I should know what the fuck you were saying." . . . Perhaps my tone was a little too harsh, as Hidan did not reply. Rather, he stared at me, a bit shocked, and maybe even a bit frightened at my sudden change in attitude towards him. Three days of this unsureity and confusion, three awkward nightmare-infested nights, and then waking up to his bitching and moaning about _milk_ of all things, I nary had anything positive to say to anyone. Especially Hidan. The source of all this confusion.

This can't go on... Maybe not knowing_ is _more troublesome than knowing... Maybe I already know... Oh God, oh God, I don't want to know... Did we... do it..?

_"Then, say yes."_

What if it's nothing, nothing happened at all, and I'm making this big fuss for no reason? Of all the things to be concerned about, I was stressing over something that might not have even happened. Yes, that's it, it never happened. Why make such a big deal out of something like that, when there are so many other things to worry about? Like, how I'm going to keep Hidan hidden, how I'm going to make enough money that he won't eat me out of house and home, what he'll do when I go on missions... Or what he might've done while I was still asleep... Agh!

Hidan ignored my odd look that I make when I debated with myself. I never noticed it until he pointed it out just the other day. One thing I didn't deny that he was right, I thought too much.

I guess I never thought about what it meant to be living with another man... Never thought about.. what it means to have a boyfriend-AGH, I said it. Boyfriend. Hidan was my boyfriend. I'd been avoiding the word... as the first time I had thought about it, I blushed so hard, Hidan started laughing at me, and Lord how I despise the feeling od being laughed at. Some boyfriend I am... I won't even let him touch me. He hasn't questioned it yet, but I still... I still feel bad about it... All I ever wanted was to see him smiling.

Maybe that's what bothering me. I am Hidan's boyfriend. And I... should start acting like it. Right after I hyperventilate in the bathroom.

Oh God, I can't do this. What happened to_ it's worth it_? What about all that courage I spent that day I brought him back.. Fuck, that was only like three days ago!

I thought I knew what I wanted, but now, now that I have what I thought was my goal, it's just...

No, enough of this. The last thing I need is Ino getting at me about how high my blood-pressure's going to be, again. Just breath. And let the coolness of this dirt-tasting tap-water cool your forehead, which I just now realize is burning hot. Well, maybe not burning, but it damn well seemed that way.

"Uh, hey, you okay in there?"

"Mmmngh!" If you find a sink-water translator, I said, "Go away!"

"Shikamaru?" The door flung open, and sink-water was sprayed.

"I... I said to go away..." No reply. Just Hidan looking very forlorn. An exact sixty seconds passed before he finally turned around and grabbed a towel. Letting out a deep breath, I followed him over to the closet to get myself a towel.

Is this how it's always going to be? Awkward. There aren't many other words for it... I'm the one acting awkward, Hidan doesn't seem to care. Maybe he's actually just a nice enough person to understand my awkward confusion about the whole situation. Maybe he's just as confused as I am. That sure helps.

But should I really say something? I don't even know what to say... N-no, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to act the way I should around my boyfriend... However that's supposed to be...

C'mon, just do it. He's right there. Fuck, as little as this place is, he's always right there. Just act..._ friendly_. I don't even know what I'm doing... How are boyfriends supposed to act? Does_ he _even know? I-it can't be that hard...

"So... weather sure is warm for winter..."

"Tch, Like I would know."

FFFFUCK.

Oh God. I could list ten-thousand things that went wrong there. The biggest being how I high-tailed it back into the bathroom, making a big deal out of locking the door, as my hands were shaking so hard, I doubted I could even write my name.

What's gotten into me? I don't normally act this, Hell, I've never acted like this around Hidan when he was just a head. Even that first day I brought him back I wasn't like this, not quite! Ah, I don't want to think about that first day...

_"What do you want now?"_

_"You."_

All I ever wanted was to make you mine. But now that you are, I don't know what to do... I know that... I love you... Why can't I get this lump out of my chest?

I spent the rest of the day avoiding him, which of course was near impossible in that apartment, but I couldn't seem to find it in me to just leave either. Hidan made some ramen for dinner but I wasn't hungry. Well, I probably was, but I was too busy putting around to notice. Hidan made it clear he was not amused with my behavior that day, but there wasn't much I could do about that, even if I wanted to.

Finally though, we settled down to bed. I, of course, was still befuddled with all the shit trying to organize itself without any room to move in my head, thus resulting in a splitting head-ache. Never fun, headaches are. Hidan must've been able to tell I was in pain, as he didn't bitch at me as he silently laid down to bed. I couldn't sleep. I just sat, hugging my knees, staring at the blank wall... Maybe I should get a few paintings... Just to make it seem less prison-like. I haven't really left since that day, except to smoke 'cause Hidan hates it with every bone in his body. Then I risk the chance of Ino catching me, who has yet to learn of the new habit I've picked up... Boy, won't that be thrilling? I keep meaning to go out and get groceries too...

Though, I think more importantly is, when am I going to start missions again? Now that I think about it, what have Ino and Choiji been doing all this time? And Naruto, and everyone? Has the world been going on without me?

"...Hey, Hidan..?"

"Mnng? What do you want?"

". . . How old were you when you became a Chuunin?"

"What?"

"Chuunin. How old were you..."

"Eh... I dunno... twelve..?"

"That young?"

"Yeah.. Why?"

"Just wondering. Good night, Hidan."

"Tch... Whatever..."

**. . .**

"So what was it like back then? The exams."

"Back then! You make me sound old!"

"How old_ are _you?"

"Twe-...There you go again with the damn questions!"

"Is curiosity such a crime?"

"Curiosity sacrificed the cat."

"_Killed _the cat."

"No, seriously, I had a buddy named Curiosity, only sacrificed cats."

"What was he like?"

"He-... The_ fuck _man? What's with you today? Son of a bitch..."

"Touchy subject?"

"No, it's not! Jesus Christ, let me eat my damn cereal!"

It had been going on like that all morning. I can't say I was really thinking about what was coming out of my mouth, only that I acknowledged that I didn't seem to care anymore. And the further I pursue this, the more I learn about him, so obviously, I was getting somewhere. And the more I learn about him, the more I want to know. Plain and simple. But then, I opened my mouth a little too far.

"Why'd you leave your village?"

He slammed his empty milk cup on the table; that's when I knew I was done. He completely stopped, didn't even look at me. And for the rest of the day, I didn't prod at the subject. I guess... if he wanted me to know, he'd tell me.

maybe he just needs to know that... I want to know. Maybe he just needs to know.

"You know... I was the first one in my entire class to become a Chuunin..."

No response. He just slurred up his soggy oats.

"When the rest of my team graduated, Master Asuma got us all matching earrings. Doesn't seem very sentimental, but..." I don't need to go on with that. "On my birthday, Asuma used to bring the whole team over with a huge box of donuts-" And with that, Hidan removed himself from the table and laid down on his mat, placing a pillow over his head... But he left it off enough that his ears were open. "He knew I didn't like cake, so he'd just stick a candle in one of the donuts." Then Hidan grumbled something under the pillow, but of course, it was less than audible. "What?"

Then he removed the pillow from his head, sighed, eyes closed, "I said, now I know you're fucked in the head... tch... don't like cake..." And with that, he flopped the pillow back over his face.

I shrugged. "I don't like cake. Not that big a deal."

Hidan flung himself up, the pillow flying across the room, "Cake, you little fucktart, is amazing. It's fluffy, sweet-"

"Sickeningly sweet, makes my teeth hurt, messy-"

"You know what? _You_ make teeth hurt."

"Maybe if you'd brush your teeth every now and then-"

"Says the one who won't eat cake 'cause it makes his teeth hurt."

"Says the one who blames his boyfriend for bad dental care!"

... Wait.

Hidan was just as flustered as I was at the use of the word. He only huffed, turning away, avoiding eye-contact. "... Ever had carrot cake?"

"Carrot's? In cake? Ew."

"You'll like it."

"I don't like carrots."

"I don't like your face, you'll like it."

"I. Don't. Like. Cake."

"Bitch, get me some carrots, I'll shove the stuff down your throat if I have to."

"What, are you gonna make it?"

"You bet your ass I am!"

"Now?"

"NO, NEXT FUCKIN' YEAR."

"I'm not going out just to get carrots, which I hate, so you can stir them into something I hate even more!"

"_I'll _get them then!"

"Bull_shit_ you are!"

"Then _you_ get them!"

"I will!"

"Good!"

_"Good_!_"_

SLAM. . . Wa-ait...


	14. Chapter 13: Make Him Pay

**Chapter 13: Make Him Pay**

_"__But what about the rest of it"?_

I could taste the blood. I could feel it dripping down my chin, my forehead... The pain was everywhere. How long had we been doing this? A ridiculous game of cat and mouse. A game consisting of mostly bruises.

I don't understand. Why is this happening? Everything I love I let go... I keep coughing. I can see the red on the ground in front of me, but I'm losing my senses. I can barely feel myself breathing anymore...

No. I can't rest. I have to get away. I have to try.

What on Earth is happening? I can't think. I don't want to think, all that I can hear in my mind, is _get away_. There is so strategy, no trying to work it through. No. Just crawl. Helplessly, making no progress. I could feel the panic in my stomach. I think I was already dead. It all felt so surreal.

"Where do you think you're going?"

No. No no, god no. I know who it is, yet, I can't seem to remember seeing him here. It feels like I'm hearing his voice for the first time since this all started. When did this start? The dread was weighing me down. It was already too late. It had been too late for a while now. Yet I keep moving, I keep trying to get away, to save myself.

"Ngh!" What is this? It's so heavy. Like someone dropped a brick on me. It hurts. It hurts! But I have to keep trying. I looked back, I can't give up. Him. His foot resting on my back. Why? Why are you doing this?

"Gah!" had he kicked me? It felt like so much more than that… It hurts so much. The blood is starting to lose it's taste. I can't see. Ah, it's because my eyes are closed. What's happening now? Am I dead? But I can still feel all the pain.

Yes, I must be dead. I can feel my soul be lifted… What is this? Soft. His lips? But it hurts. He's licking me. No. Heaven must have rejected me. I landed flat on my back. Heaven must not have liked the way I tasted. Why is that?

"Fuck yeah."

His voice again. Look up, try and see. "Shit…"

I recognize the black and white. It's a bit of a blur now, but it's unmistakable. Why is nothing going through my mind? All I can hear is, _get away_.

It's all over. He's placed the pike. He hasn't done it yet, but I can already feel death's cold grip on me. My throat feels raw. I can feel all these sign of being alive, yet at the same time I feel nothing. It some strange way, this doesn't feel real. Heaven, what have I done?

It stings. The pain is unbearable. Surely this is it. Surely when I open my eyes I'll see death. It still hurts. What is this? Lift my shirt, yes, there's blood there.

Crudely written on my chest was, " U"

Heaven, I said, what have I done? Everything I love I let go.

**…**

Sitting here, with my arms up, I feel disgusted. I feel vulnerable. I fear I've lost myself. The first time I dream in months… what is this. This is stupid. I have read through countless dream books, and they all say dreams can never truly be analyzed. There are plenty of things that could've triggered this. I mean, he's living in my house after all, and we are… well, close, I suppose.

Close… Are we? I mean, we hardly ever talk, and when we do, it's usually arguments. I try to get close, I think. And even after all this time, I feel like I don't know any more about him than I did when I dug him up. He's crude, rash, sadistic, acts like a spoiled child with an ego… This all has been true since the moment I laid eyes on him. I never questioned it before, just uncharacteristically gave into my strange desire, but why, of all people, did I fall for him?

Agh. No. Don't say it like that. I haven't _fallen_ for him. I hate him. With every fiber of my being, I do, I hate him. Yet I can't let him go. I need him, here, by my side. But I can't figure out why.

It's almost seven. It's about when he wakes up. Sometimes he stays up all night and just stares at the ceiling. I can tell he's tired, but sometimes he just can't seem to fall asleep. I don't blame him, I know he has a lot on his chest. Being an S-class criminal and all. Must be hard, suddenly being trapped here, in my house. It's weird, now that I think about it, not once has he complained about being cooped up, or tried to leave. He just stays here, like an obedient dog. He'll yell at me to go grocery shopping, but he hasn't implied that he wants to leave. I'm sure he does though. Wonder why. May as well ask.

I can tell he's awake, he's just not ready to get up yet. It's weird, he looks more frustrated today than normal. "Hey, Hidan?"

"Eh? What?"

"… Why do you stay up all night sometimes?"

For a moment, he just laid there, then shrugged. Figures. He's been short-answering me a lot. Eh. It's too early. I'll try again later.

I don't know how he could possibly stare at the ceiling for so long. It makes me depressed. It's not like clouds. It's not pure, he just sits there, getting old, and keeping us dry when it rains. It's a structure created by a violent and destructive race. It's the same thing every night. It doesn't change, it's just there. Occasionally, it'll break down and need fixing. It's entire existence is dependent, and standing on other dependent structures. Nothing like clouds. Clouds are just clouds. They have no boundaries, and need no one's and nothing's assistance. They're existence is entirely their own.

"Hey, Shikamaru,"

"Yeah? Want some coffee?"

"No, come here."

I sighed, I was still tired, and moving would be some effort, but I managed to pull myself up and scuffed over to the pad on the other side of them room. "What, you need help getting up? Lazy. WOW- What are you doing? Lemme go-"

Was he trying to strangle me? Is he finally gonna do it? … No, this doesn't feel anything like being strangled. It doesn't feel negative at all. Feels more… like an embrace. I stopped struggling for a moment.. Nope, nothing's happening."…Hidan?"

"I know what you think of me." His deep and flamboyant voice was now reduced to a low, resonate whisper. "This whole thing is seriously fucking stupid." That it was. "I really fucking hate you." That he did. "I love you." What? "Hahaha… sobsobsob…. Shikamaru, there's something seriously wrong with me." I don't understand. "Maybe if I cut up my body I will be directed to a psych ward. Maybe then I won't have to be alone or explain anything. It will be written on my arms for everybody to finally see.

"What are you saying?"

"Then laugh and say I'm fine because my emotions shut off and on every hour. Intense. Laugh. Hate. Cry. Laugh. Ashamed. Black and white thinker. Got the best of me."

"Hidan-"

"Help me, but don't help me. I love you I hate you. Get away, don't leave me. Hahahasobsobsob. But I was a teenager, I was just confused. He said most teenagers are confused. How about looking into the mirror and not recognizing what is there? Feel empty twenty-three hours of the day. Crying at pillows and people's expressions. Laughing at their pain. Feeling disconnected from everybody, thinking everybody hates you or is out to get you. Or walking around sobbing as somebody you don't know. Crying everyday because they think a flat or normal expression means I HATE YOU. Losing a sense of reality and forgetting what normal was. Self-hate. You suck. Your face is ugly, stop crying. But wait, people are watching you. Then having no reason to feel this way, Empty walls and satisfaction. Then feeling like I am a depressive burden by unloading. You don't need it, ultimately making me hate myself more. One of these days I am going to go into a full state of catatonia and never come back."

... What?

"That all started when I was about thirteen. I had recently developed social-phobia. My mom… we didn't get along. My sister either. My dad had an affair, and mom kicked him out. Neither of them believed me. 'You think you have it bad? I had it worse.' 'What mom did was nothing, she had it worse. Way worse.' So I left and joined a cult." After, that, he was very silent. I stayed there, unmoving, nervous laying on his naked chest, but subdued by his words. This was the most he's said about anything. "…Is that enough for you? Now stop asking me so many fucking questions." He shoved me out of the way and sauntered over to the kitchen, turning on the coffee maker.

"…Hidan?"

"What?" He groaned, as if drained by reminiscing.

What am I supposed to say? I never imagined any of that. I hadn't even asked, and he had answered a question… and a prayer. He's said so much now and yet so little. So much emotion, so cut-off. So short answered. So much human. So much humility. You're not a brainless psychopath. How do I answer? He just opened up to me in such a way I'm stunned. This criminal, this murderer, who had been screaming profanities at me from the bottom of a ditch just a few months ago, is now showing me the most intimate thing you can give to a person. Trust. I don't think I've ever been trusted like this. What do I do? What do I give in return? Do I comfort you, do I pity you… how do I help you?

This deep feeling in my chest. I've been getting it a lot lately. Usually after I'm really mad, and I just look at him in frustration. I hate you, I love you. I know how that feels. I just can't understand it. I can't understand this feeling that drives me forward. I get scared and try to stop it, try to bury it. But now it's so strong. It leaves me feeling empty, changes the contours of my face. Strains my muscles. As if reaching for something, and feeling empty when you realize there's nothing there. It hurts. And now that hurt is moving me forward and I can't stop it. I feel like I'm being guided, yet at the same time, I feel like I've been trying to do this for a very long time. Standing there with his back turned to me, I wrapped my arms around him, laid my head on his bare back and just held him. "Yes… Yes I think that will do for a very long time."

There's no where left to fall down. The heart-ache hasn't stopped. How it feels when you are never seen. How it feels to give up your dream. When the moment comes to unlock what's been reversed, I hate you so much, I have to let you go. Heaven, what have I done? Everything I love I let go. How do I stop the inevitable. How do I keep the one person I hate most. Stuck here making words up, hanging with my heart out in the open, I fear I've found myself.

"Hey, let's have eggs."

"Um… sure. Why not."


	15. Chapter 14: Electric Twist

**Chapter 14: Electric Twist**

Wow. Awkward. Seriously. That was… more awkward than what I did, and that was pretty fucking awkward. I'm not too happy about it. In fact, I'm annoyed with myself beyond belief. The only one I ever talked to about any of it was Kakuzu. He acted like he didn't give a fuck, but he still listened. No one understands though. My fluctuating emotions. My hate, my apathy. My religion. No one ever does understand.

Shikamaru… you're different though. You obviously don't understand. You never fucking will. I know that. But the difference between you and all the other faggots out there that I had confided in, you actually give a fuck. You actually fucking care. Which is exactly why I don't _want_ you to understand.

You should be wilder. You're no fun at all. Yeah, thanks for the input. Don't be so depressed, you have it made. I'm not depressed. Oh well, you come off that way. I don't think he likes me very much. I like you just fine. Oh, well, you come off that way. You're negative. I'm optimistic. You come off that way. You come off that way. You come off that way. My entire life was misinterpreted.

But you, you give me the electric twist. And it kicks and it kicks. You see right through me. You know me. Without knowing five minutes of my past, you knew me. You saw me before I fucking showed you. Is it 'cause you're a genius? I fucking doubt it. But whatever it is about you that has the ability to stick your hand up my ass and pull out the real me, it's a fucking miracle.

You're the biggest mother fucking faggot I ever met. You're lazy, you're a sinner, a non-believer, a pain in the ass. You're everything I fucking hate in a person, yet, everything I need. You're all I ever needed. Whether or not tomorrow or even five seconds from now my emotions fuck me over again and I try to kill you, I'll still have needed you. Whether or not I remember this, it will still be true. I hate it. I love it. I need it.

These months… I don't even know how long it's fucking been. I've gone through my normal symptoms. My normal abnormality. I hate you now just as much as I did staring up at that smug fucking face of yours from a goddamn ditch. But over, whatever the fuck amount of time it's been since then, I've grown to have such strong feelings for you. I really hate you. Maybe even more than I did before. Yes, definitely. I fucking loathe you. And then it switches over to my.. fucking appreciation of your existence. I hate you for who you are, but love you for being who you are. I have strong emotions for you, you little shit. And I don't even fucking understand them.

And that's why you deserve to know. Even though I may not think so at some later point in time, the calmer more rational me knows it. You opened yourself up to me. I don't know why the fuck you keep doing this to me, why you cling to me even after all the shit I did to you. I do not apologize. That faggot wasn't even much of a worthy sacrifice. Jashin's tastes are more refined than that tobacco-smelling barf-puppet. But you should hate me for that. You should've looked down at me from your high and mighty spot with that mother fucking lighter and felt some relief. That's what _normal_ people would feel, they don't go head over heels for their teacher's brutal fucking murderer. I don't understand… but I don't think I want to. Not now, at least. You've shown me your heart, often times against me will, but now it's only fair that I show you mine. And true, you might run away with it, it's a risk, yeah. You might get away with it, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

You're something else. I think it was because that there's not enough people like you in the world that I had even walked into that church in the first place. If I had met someone like you years ago, I would be a very different man entirely. It was my desire for you my whole life that drove me down this path, and now that what the fuck I've done to you. Hell, you might be crazier than me… Doubt it.

I hate people. All of them. Human beings… we're a fucking disease. It's no fucking wonder Jashin feeds on your restless souls. But you, you are the reason I haven't let my soul rest yet. Because in all the millions of ignorant fuck-asses who's souls will burn in a fiery Hell, I keep roaming this Earth, knowing that there must be people that prove me wrong. That darkness is not the only element. I've seen very few who I even had a lick of respect for. And those few, I can count on one hand. They were… better than human. That's why, I keep living, pleasing the Lord, knowing that, if I wonder long enough, I'll find people like you. And you give me hope in humanity.

I've seen people of all kinds. When you've lived as long as I have, there's not whole lot you haven't already fucking seen, or wish you hadn't. Doesn't give you much openness to new things. I've seen people that would eat each other. I've seen you and the way you live your lives, sin in every way imaginable, abuse it, rape it in the ass, and then take a shit on it. There is very little I haven't seen you do. A few months back, it would make me sick to my stomach. But now, no matter what fucking mood I'm in, I just feel like a parent, giving up on a child because they have so much and they throw it all away. It was one of the many reasons why I hated you all. But now, I just shake my head.

After it all, I just want to take my hand-full of memories of respectful people and settle down. If it's here, with you, Shikamaru, I won't mind. Jashin will have his hand on us all, eventually. It's not fair to punish a class of hooligans with a select few respectful students. But Jashin's word is justice, not fair. Jashin has already lent enough of his patience. If I were him, I would have laid down the law many many years ago.

For now, now that my faith in humanity is entirely in your puny fucking existence, I want you to know me. I love you, you fucking ass-wipe. I know it's not that simple, with all the extra shit added onto our situation, but I don't want to fucking think about that right now. Not while I'm calm. What we've got going for us now won't last long. But for right this second, I am going to sit my ass down, eat your overcooked eggs and pretend we're a happy couple.


	16. Chapter 15: You're so Gay

**Chapter 15: You're So Gay (and you don't even like boys)**

_I stood in the middle of perplexed faces surrounded by a brightly-burned fire, churning at the ends of new minutes. I was always a silent spectator, but for a moment, I was the hesitant spokesman. Disorderly pandemonium, I whispered. Their faces indulged in the highlights of confusion and quiescence roamed the air. As expected, I caught their attention but only because I played the game of befuddlement just as well as its maker._

"Ugh…" Son of a bitch. Not this again. I thought I had taught myself the self-discipline required to starve off this particular madness. No more of that time- I want nothing to do with it. And even after all these years, I can't keep all of these unwanted visions from creeping up on me in the night.

Do I even remember what I..? No, I will have no part of this reminiscing. I thought I-

Oh for the love of… I'm even speaking the way I used to. Fuck. This is all _your_ fault, you stupid piece of shit. You make me feel like I did before I died…

...

"I can't take this anymore. _Please_, Lady Tsunade. Assign him a mission. _With us_."

"Ino, c'mon… it's okay… He needs time.."

"We gave him time." This was just flat-out unhealthy. He's killing himself in that apartment. He can't be that torn up about Asuma-sensei, there's something wrong. If it's something so wrong you can't even tell your own teammates, your own friends, than I'm just going to have to pry it out of you. I'll leave that last part out in front of Lady Tsunade though.

"…You're right. This has gone on long enough. Here, I was saving this for Naruto, but I think you better have it."

I can't stand it. I understood, at first, and even then I was out of my mind with worry. Whether this is about Asuma-sensei, or not, he can't do this to himself. He can't do this to _me. _If you want to kill yourself, fine, if you're that miserable, I understand. But I certainly won't_ let_ you. If you're so miserable living, well, you better get used to it. I'd rather have you living miserable than at peace in death.

There's something wrong. There has been since that day… But it's changing. _You're_ changing. I'm okay with you changing, but let me be apart if it. Let me in. Let me do my responsibility as your friend. Or I'll force my way. Yes, I am a troublesome girl. I'll happily prove it.

I know he's gonna be really annoyed. Well, he should be, that would be normal. He hates it when I barge in on him, even though he never locks his door, which just makes him stupid. Shikamaru, you are the stupidest idiot I ever met. So I don't care how annoyed you get; if I have to drag you out of that apartment, I will.

"Ino, wait, I'm sure he's alright. He even said we'd do a mission together."

"Yeah, and how long ago was that?" I spat. My fists were clenched so hard, my fingernails made my palms bleed. The last time we had a decent conversation, we were helping him move.

Sakura used to tell me my forehead would get wrinkly if I kept looking so angry. I can't help it. It just infuriates me that he won't let me help him. I can't even see the world around me, only his stupid apartment. I can see him in it, probably lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Oh, just wait 'til I- … Who's that? That's Shikamaru's apartment, but it's definitely not Shikamaru. He has a key? It doesn't even look like he's home… Is he a burglar? No, he doesn't look like a burglar, even though he's wearing a hoodie. He does seem a bit nervous though. Hm. "Hey there!"

"Huh? What do you want?" he called. He looked kinda familiar, but I can't imagine I've seen him.

"Do you know Shikamaru?"

Something moved behind his eyes. This man… "Oh. Yeah. He's not here right now, should be back in about half an hour," he kept his head low as he sauntered down the stairs. He didn't look like he wanted to talk.

"I'm Ino Yamanaka. Shikamaru's teammate. Nice to meet you," I held out my hand.

He hesitated, but took it in a firm grip and forced a smile, "I'm… Dan. Pleasure's all mine." Then he scurried off in a bit of a hurry.

What a weirdo. But the weirdest part, how does he know Shikamaru? And why does he have a key to his apartment? He kept his hood pretty low, but I could still see his face. He was an older guy, probably mid-twenties, with the slightest bit of stubble growing on his chin. Looked pretty skinny.

...Oh god. Shikamaru… you're…

…

I hate leaving the apartment. I get so nervous leaving Hidan alone. I mean, what if someone comes knocking- Will he answer? God… Just a million different scenarios play in my head. Agh. Just go home, everything's fine.

Oh god. Oh god oh god, everything is most certainly _not_ fine.

"Shika!"

What in the name of all that fornicating sea-weasels hold holy- "Hidan-!" I did a very cliché mouth-cover at that. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I loud-whispered… if that's possible…_ I_ know what I mean.

"I wanted to surprise you," he said, with a smile on his face, as if everything in the world was right.

"More like you want to get us fucking killed-"

"Dude, look, no one recognizes me. Not even your little blond chick-friend."

… Mother of fuck. "You met Ino? When? Did she come to the apartment?"

"Wow, slow down there, man, seriously. I bumped into her coming down the stairs."

"So she did come. Oh god, what does she want… What did you say to her?"

He shrugged, "I introduced myself and walked off."

"… Introduced yourself as _who_?" How dumb do you have to-

"Dan!" This day has been going downhill since the moment I walked outside.

"Who the Hell is-"

"Hello, Ino. Nice to see you again," Hidan turned and greeted her with a warm smile, his charisma much like that night he met my elderly neighbor, even with his intimidating and scruff appearance... What in the...

"Ino, I-"

I think I said the rest of that sentence. It was weird. One second I was looking at her, and the next, I was look at the butcher across the street. When did I turn my head? I looked back at her, and saw tears in her eyes. It was then I had realized she had slapped me. It took a second for the pain to kick in. In fact, she slapped me so hard I didn't know she hit me. No, she didn't slap me… I dabbed at the bloody lip. She _punched _me.

"You… jerk!"

"Wha-What..? What did I do?" I see her walking away, but I'm not quite comprehending this. What just happened? Son of a _bitch_, my jaw hurts.

"Shikamaru! Hey, man, Ino's really mad!" Choiji?

"No shit, Sherlock," His charisma stripped away like a snake shedding his skin.

"Can it, _Dan_." Good lord, I never should have left the house. "You…" I looked at him, unimaginable frustration and confusion building up. What am I supposed to say? "Go home." Hidan had a look about him of protest, but I was not in the mood. I turned away from him to face the task at hand. "Choiji, _what_ is going on." Fucking women. I hate this, I just wanted to get the fucking groceries and go home, but I can't leave this.

"Uh, she's just worried about you, that's all, I think." I hate women. So troublesome.

"C'mon, spit it out, fa-" Oh God. I couldn't move fast enough. I'm more afraid that _he_ will kill _Choiji_ if they get into it. Too close. I just hope he doesn't bite my hand-

"_Yeck_! Did you just _lick_ me?" I think I'd rather he'd bitten me.

"Look, Shika doesn't have time for your bullshit right now, so get lost." I could not convey my the extent of my hatred for Hidan in that moment enough through eye-contact.

"Hi-! … He… He's a douche bag. All the time. Just ignore him, Choiji." We would have a talk when we got home.

"Uh, well, Ino said to give this to you," Choiji handed me a manila-colored packet, looking at said douche bag uneasily.

"Oh jeez… Great… just what I need." I could feel a headache coming on.

...

I know I don't have any reason to act like this. I don't know why, but I can't stop crying. He makes me so angry! He doesn't even get it. How could he? How could he possibly do that and think I wouldn't find out? You really are dumb. How could you do this to yourself… I didn't think you could sink this low. It's disgusting.

Even if I confront him, it won't solve anything. He is beyond repair. Forget him. He's just a lazy douche bag with no morals. Forget it all. He's not Shikamaru. God… what have you become? It just isn't right… it is so many levels of wrong.

And that Dan character. You disgust me most of all. You're the one who did this to him. And you have the nerve to look me in the eye. What's an older guy like you doing hanging around Shikamaru's apartment? Just disgusting.

To think I was worried about you…You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal, you're so skinny you should really super-size the deal. Secretly you're so amused that nobody understands you. I'm so mean 'cause I try to get you out of your head; I'm so angry 'cause you'd rather lie staring at clouds instead. I can't believe I fell in love with someone that won't even wear his Chuunin jacket proudly anymore. I wish you'd just be… real with me.

...

"What the Hell did_ I_ do? Tch, little bastard." I adjusted the hood on my jacket.

I'm so glad I'm pissed. So glad. I can finally start acting like _myself_, not the prude bastard of my past. Fuck. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Yes. Much better. That's who you are, Hidan, not that fucking human from so many centuries ago. FUCKSHITCUNTBITCH. Ah. Yes. My entire vocabulary.

Agh! No matter how hard I try- Ever since this morning, I find myself indulging more and more into this madness. I left it behind- Since the moment I gave my soul to Lord Jashin, I have been a new man. No, find something to bring you back! Go find a kitten and kick it!

_Sigh._ No use.

But what's this? Hm. Perhaps my sudden return will be of some use. At least for the moment. Should I have a little fun with Shikamaru's wretch? Perhaps I just need to let this other side, this shadow of what I once was, just vent for the day. Let it all out- I will be myself- My true self- again soon. Sitting in an ally. How unclassy. I cleared my throat to bring attention to myself, and immediately she whipped her head around, forming an instant look of disgust. This _will_ be fun.


	17. Chapter 16: The TellTale Heart

**Chapter 16: The Tell-Tale Heart**

_These were damaged people, beyond belief and to some, beyond one's own boundaries of exertion. It would be selfish not to give them my condolences, but because I was one step ahead of the game, I kept quiet. Sometimes this technique landed me in mischief, but I wavered, falsifying my doubts about the concept being for the better. Too bad I was the only one in unison of agreement with my own ways. _

…

"Excuse me, but, I do hope that I am not the subject of your grievances, lady," I extended my hand to her, she took it, and I lifted her onto her feet. I was quite aware that my appearance and behavior from earlier that morning was contradictory to my actions now, but if I played my cards right, I could make this work.

The look on her face saw the contradiction as well, but I kept my charm. She shifted awkwardly, not quite sure how to respond, finally wiping the tears on her glove, much to my displeasure, and spoke with an even voice. "As a matter of fact, you are." She wasn't going to pretend not to be uncomfortable with me. I appreciated it.

"I see. Forgive me, both as the cause of your distress and also as I cannot discuss it today. Are you up to lunch tomorrow?" The look on her face. Priceless. I looked like a thug but spoke in a dialect centuries old. I could even tell the differences in our accents. I disgust even myself sometimes. I smirked at my own thoughts.

She blinked for a moment, but did not stutter, "Yes, I'd like that"

"I am sure you've noticed, but I am not familiar here, so I will leave out meeting place to you." Bewilderment was turning to suspicion. Careful now. It's been so long, and it's far too soon- There is no room for slip-ups.

She studied me for a moment. I showed her a look of my impatience. I was not so sweet in this former life of mine. Patience was not one of my virtues. Lucky for her, she finally spoke and I relaxed my tapping foot. "There's a ramen house by here, right next to the fruit market where we were." Ramen? I was a little disgusted-

_"That's an awfully large bowl." _

"_I'm hungry too, jackass."_

_"Are you even tasting it?" _

_"Hell yeah, this is pretty damn good, you're not that bad of a cook. Why don't you do this more often?"_

Agh, what is this? What is this vulgar image in my-

_"Now! Let's savor the utmost of suffering together!"_

_"Tsk! Right after the verbal-abuse. Man, Kakuzu, you really stink!"_

_"When the other person's agony at the final moment of death seeps into my body the pain is transcended and become the purest ecstasy!"_

_"Does your village bury their dead? 'Cause it's gonna be a pain digging him up."_

_"I won't die you know. Someday I'm gonna get out and come after you. Teeth! That's all I'll need to bite your throat. Teeth!"_

I had to bite my tongue until it bled to keep from shouting out. I nodded to the girl and took my leave.

… What the _fuck_ did I just do? Fuck man… seriously… Shit! God, of all things…. What kind of bullshit is this? I haven't… I'm not… this… this hasn't happened since... Since I… Son of a _bitch!_

Okay. Calm your ass down. Gotta find Shika. He's smart, right? Sure, yeah, he'll have something, yeah, maybe he could even make it stop all together… Shit man, I don't even remember when I stopped having these symptoms… I musta been twe-… twenty one.

…

_Because my affect can be universal, I understand your own puzzlement. And if that has triggered another thought in regards to my intentions, the answer is simple. The beauty of life is hidden amongst the wedges of our downfalls. Not everyone survives, not everyone realizes, and those who do? They linger in uncertainty due to feedback of the incomprehensible (or due to other reasons, of course). And here are those silhouettes, those scarred faces, looking for someone or something to convince them otherwise of a better life. What exactly must I do to display hope throughout this so-called reality bounded from little stories?_

…

It was a bitter time. I had been ruthless with myself, forbidding any thought, no matter how fleeting, that could have association with the past. I dreamed no dreams, permitted no visions, and spoke to no one lest this past creep up my throat again. My battle with Shikamaru and his mentor had confirmed that I had been right to stay apart, right to forget, right to pretend that there was no like beyond the moment in which I existed.

I looked up at him, with all the rage I had built from all these years that I have walked the earth. In that moment, though, that moment of horror, where I knew that in an instant would be the end despite my bravado, I saw a man, of twenty one, with brown eyes, black hair, and a chip on his shoulder, a grudge against man-kind, a fear of the many faces he could not control, a fear of the emotions that had more control over him, and a great longing, standing before the church of Jashin. I saw the moment before I died, as I was dying. It was a vision, a memory, that I had long since abandoned. For the longest time, I managed to delude myself that it had never happened.

Then I met Shikamaru. And he continuously asks me these questions of the past, and I continuously keep myself up, avoiding my sub-conscious craving to look back. He keeps unlocking the chains when I'm not looking, and more and more escapes. Fuck!

Stop it! Stop, stop, stop!

But I couldn't stop it. I was beyond the point of turning back around again. That's the thing about memories, you give an inch, they take a mile, you look over your shoulder, they grab you by the gut. I saw this coming. I want you to know me, Shikamaru, but there are some things that I don't want to bring back. Fuck man… even Kakuzu knew not to push too far… Kakuzu….

…

"_You say 'OH I DON'T KNOW EMOTION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS,' but then you just said at least you knew how to love someone. God you are so full of fucking shit."_

"_I DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE YOU."_

"_No."_

"_WHY? BECAUSE THERE IS MUCH TO BE DONE BEFORE I SAY THAT."_

"_THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAID"_

"_OKAY WELL THIS IS WHAT I MEAN NOW."_

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP. RIGHT NOW. AND LISTEN TO ME."_

Kakuzu…

…

"Yes, milady. I understand."

"I'm doing this for your own good."

"Yeah… I know."

"You'll leave in two days."

"Right…"

"And Shikamaru?"

"Yeah?"

"… Never mind. We'll talk when you come back."

I could safely say this was the worst day ever. A week. I'm going to be gone a whole fucking week. My biggest concern? Hidan of course. Or should I say, "Dan." The fuck kinda name is Dan anyway?

Okay. Calm down Shikamaru. Breath. Just breath. And the more I think about it, the harder it is to be calm. This whole thing… Damn it, not a second of this entire situation was thought-out well. Did I really think this was going to be okay? Oh yeah, I've got a wanted-supposedly-dead-criminal cooped up in my house, but it's all good, as long as I keep him inside all day it's all peachy-keen. The Hell was I thinking? Did I really believe that Hidan would just obediently sit at home and wait for me every day like a little dog?

_Sigh_. I had enough on my mind in the first place, but now this. Chill out, Shikamaru. One thing at a time. So troublesome.

Troublesome. Hah! If I'm stupid enough to fall for an idiot like Hidan and be stupid enough to cause all this trouble on myself, I've no right to complain that this is troublesome. I brought this all upon myself_. I'm_ the one who keeps making shit complicated. The Hell did I do to deserve this? I must've betrayed mankind in a past-life or something.

You know what? That's what I need. I need to just chill. I've stress enough for an entire generation. Me of all people. I need some time to be Shikamaru. Not Hidan's boyfriend, not Konoha's traitor, just, me. The me before all this retardedness. I need to buy some soda and watch clouds. Just thinking about it relaxes my muscles. And for a minute, I was able to pretend that nothing had transpired these last months. Not a thing. No death, no phsycho talk, no phsycho lover, and no psychotic stress. Time to situate myself back into the existential frame-work. Am I being a selfish asshole with no sense of priorities? Hell. Yes.

Peace. Absolute silence. My back hurts a little, now that I'm finally relaxing. I'm really sore, everywhere, but the pain feels good, relieving. I'm finally taking in the extent of what Hidan has done to me, physically. It'd be nice to have a massage. Yeah, Ino gave the best massages. I remember I tried to convince Temari to give me one while I was in Suna, but… some hands are softer than others, I guess. Oh man… Ino. She's really pissed, huh. Jeez, I'm gonna have to do something about that. Not right now though. Now that I've _finally _come back to myself, I don't think I can get back up. Shit. I am _really_ exhausted.

And the clouds. God, the clouds. The closest thing I've had to this in so long is the stupid popcorn ceiling. My chest feels lighter. I don't have to think about anything- I can just…

"SHIKA!"

Oh lord. What was that about peace?

"Hey, get your lazy-ass up. I need to talk to you."

God, why? What did I do? "Not right now." I'm so tired I can barely open my eyes, don't make me get up now.

"Now." He sounds pretty agitated. Maybe it's important. Nah.

"Not. Now."

No reply. Must not be that important-

"WOAH, WHAT THE- PUT ME DOWN. PUT ME DOWN _NOW_!" Maybe Jashin really is God. Fuck my life.

…

"_How much more elaborate must I get?"_

"_Can you? I doubt it. Highly."_

"_I will. Once more. For you. BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT. This is why I stay away from people because I drive them insane with my contradictory actions and words. Which resulted in losing what the definition of most emotions were. Motoko? She taught me how to love someone. You? You are a reincarnation of my love for Motoko which wouldn't die out this time. I don't know what loving means, but I am going with my own definition because I know I care for you. That means putting up with the bad and the good and having the good overcome that. I should be more precise with my words because it results in this. I don't know if I love you because your outward personality has never been revealed to me and I never want to be that person to say that and then doubt it. Like now. Now were I say something and then turn around and say something else. I don't mean to sound like I am rejecting you or using you. AT ALL. The fact that I change left and right also makes me doubtful of what is [insert emotion] etc. I don't know what you meant, but you seemed [insert negative reaction/feeling] when I said I didn't want to go back on my plans. So fuck you."_

"…_What the fuck did I just say? I don't. Expect. You. To. Drop. ANYTHING._

"_Then why did you get so mad when I made a joke about leaving Akatsuki?"_

"_I didn't__.__I'm not even mad__. __I'm thinking about ju__st leaving you alone permanently._ _And forgetting I said anything to you__"_

"_Then what is the problem?"_

"_This is some silly fucking middle school drama that I'm taking part in and it isn't very appealing to me to be rejected an refused for the simplest things. I cannot stand it. But I won't be brought down because of it."_

"_What? Someone else can't be a part of my life? Don't."_

"_You fucking don't even register on my level of thinking. OH LOOK. We are fighting again."_

"_If she is going to abandon me, so be it, but I know that even if she did, then okay. At least it proved I knew how to love someone."_

"_Are you happy? Is this what you want?"_

"_No!"_

"_Because every conversation we have ends up like this."_

"_Just because I don't want to kiss you yet means I'm completely rejecting you?_

It's getting worse. Shikamaru, you gotta help me. Before I do something _really_ fucking stupid.


	18. Chapter 17: Honeybee

**Chapter 17: Honeybee**

_You didn't have to look my way, your eyes still haunt me to this day, but you did. You didn't have to say my name. But you did… yes, you did._

"But what about the rest of it?"

"The rest? What else was there?" What else indeed… hm. My brow furrows, trying to remember. The details are fuzzy, but there was definitely something else. /Sigh. I seem to be able to remember a time when I didn't try this hard… at anything. … Try… effort…

"Try harder."

I felt the words, nudging me in the right direction, waiting patiently, existing softly with no physical obligation to the reality I studied so meticulously with my tired eyes. Being, free from existing, and I feel inclined to listen. It's the least I can do, I suppose, so I do; I try to think back when I first engaged the foreign thoughts that formed mingling with my own. What else… was I supposed to do?

Silver hair and blood.

_You didn't have to smile at me, your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen, but you did._

When you look at someone… they are separate from you. Standing in a crowd, you know you are alone. You do not connect with faces. They are simply faces, with eyes and ears just like yours. When you are walking down the sidewalk, those faces are everywhere and when you look at them, you generally don't think that they are as deep and multifaceted as you. When you meet eyes with someone walking towards you, you don't see a lifetime that shaped a beautiful person with a story for every scar, you don't see thoughtful ideals and potential or success- you see two eyes, a nose, ears, mouth, just like yours. You see people, not a person. They're everywhere, extras in your movie. You don't connect with people. You acknowledge that people have stories and emotions of their own, but you don't think about when that person walking down the sidewalk walks past you out of sight. They weren't anything, just a face. Like everyone else. You walk down the street to the store with your shield up because you assume that faces don't connect. In a crowded room you are alone.

_You didn't have to offer your hand, 'cause since I've kissed it I am at your command. But you did…_

And then you meet someone. For some reason fate made you two meet; put you in a situation where you had to converse past the casual formalities, the language of faces, because otherwise you never would have connected. But you are, you are in a situation that makes you put that wall down and acknowledge the presence of a human being, with a soul, and once you see that, you have already connected.

_Oh, Turpentine erase me whole, 'cause I don't want to live my life alone. Well, I was waiting for you all my life…_

Whatever your feelings are towards that person, by acknowledging the existence of a person who is just as tortured as you, just as real as you are, automatically there is something that connects their soul to yours. Maybe it's a red string. Maybe it's something more vague. Whatever it is, that person is separated from being just a face. In a crowded room, you are still alone. I'm starting to think that's only because you choose to be. And knowing that, I still choose to be.

_Set me free. My honeybee._

Silver locks that rest on an aching neck, amethyst eyes and blood that tastes like copper- just like mine. A man that has a past, a family, friends, people have connected with him. He is just as tortured and real as me. But you don't think about that, you have your wall up because you assume everyone is just a face. He was a face that killed, it didn't matter why or what led up to it, he was still a face, the villain in your black-and-white cartoon movie. You don't connect with bad guys. But he has a soul too. So when fate puts you in a situation where you have to acknowledge each other past the language of faces, makes you have to actually give a damn, are they still the villain? And if not, who is?

His name. Unforgiven. Hated. Painful. Because he's a face- the bad guy, he's evil. Why? He just is. Any one of these faces could be evil. In a crowded room, you are alone. He's a killer, he did something awful to you, personally, and that automatically makes him a monster, not a person with a soul. From your perspective. Whatever happened to morals- you've never been one for morals.

I acknowledge him. There is more to his story. He is not the cloaked villain with a stringy moustache here to steal your princess, laughing maniacally because the script tells him to. He is a person who has become what he is over the years and has purpose behind his actions. And I see that. I see that he is just as real as me. So we are connected, regardless of my personal opinion of his character. There's some sort of string or whatever that keeps our lives tied to each other for whatever reason. Probably because we choose to be. Knowing that, I'd still choose to be. Isn't that it?

"Good. What else?"

/sigh

_Hello, goodbye, 'twas nice to know you, how I find myself without you, that I'll never know. I let myself go._

Isn't that what I wanted in the first place? To see if he really was human? I mean, of course he was. I knew that from the beginning. So why did I need to go so far to verify that? Because I couldn't handle the thought of anyone being so evil, so disgusting, I couldn't handle the fact that anyone could make me so angry. Couldn't handle my own hatred. So I put myself in a situation that would make us connect. And we did. So…

"Is that all?"

… No. He's still a threat. Still a danger to society. I don't know if I can even trust anything he has said to me. It could all be bullshit until he's strong enough again, and then he will be the same evil he was before. … I don't think that's true, but it's still a possibility, I suppose. And… heh, of course. He has to start killing again, or he'll lose his immortality. I can't let him do that, obviously…

"Try a little harder. Do you remember, Shikamaru?"

Remember..? Remember what? Remember that I had a life before all this bullshit? Responsibilities, friends? Yeah, I remember. He's fucking killing me.

_Hello, goodbye, I'm rather crazy and I never thought I was crazy, but what do I know? I let myself go._

"And?"

"…Who are you?"

_Oh, Turpentine erase me whole, 'cause I don't want to live my life alone._

_Set me free_

_My_

_Honeybee_


End file.
